Feeling?

Today felt unusually positive.  I'm pretty sure that I felt less anxious and slightly more connected to emotion.  Most nights I don't feel like going out until I'm drunk but tonight I felt like it might be enjoyable.  Tomorrow is Thursday and that tends to be party night.  I still don't have very much hope but at least I was relatively happy today.  Everyone around me seems to be doing so well and it hurts to reflect on my position.  Most everyone else is with someone they love: Jeff & Jane, Dave & Jonna, Allie & Rodney, Annie & Matt, Matt & Val, and most of my exes.  It's a bit disheartening to see everyone else settle into normal roles of partnerships while I regress and struggle to even be alive.  I regret a lot and I'd go back and change things if I could.  I think I'd feel better about everything if I knew that it was completely my fault and not due to my myriad issues.  Maybe then I'd be able to blame myself and get over it.  Now I just feel that all of my prior decisions were outside of my control and I'm just incredibly unlucky.  I don't like that feeling at all.  I'm glad that all my friends are progressing happily through life; I just wish I could join them.