Hard out there.

I had lunch with my dad today.  It got pretty emotional.  He started talking about money problems and how I can't live off borrowed money forever and stuff.  He also said that it might be necessary that I move back in with them, get a job in Clinton, and start paying loans.  Just thinking of that makes me want to cry.  There's no way that I'll go back there and work a dead end job for the rest of my life to pay off loans and not have my fucking undergraduate degree.  That's worse than dying and I wouldn't last long there.  He seemed to think that just "having to get up and go to a job everyday would help".  RIIIIGHT.  As if I don't have shit I'm supposed to be doing right now that I just can't.

I'm withdrawing from my two classes tomorrow.  I'll only be able to make use of the student health center until the end of the summer.  I'm terribly afraid that I won't be able to get loans for next semester even if I feel lots better and able to do class work.  I'm sure my parents would refuse it and then I'd be fucked.  I don't know what I'd do but I'm not going back to live in Clinton.  I've been crying off and on since lunch and I'm just so tired of not being able to make it in life.

Umm, I heard tonight the phrase, "I heard she was in a mental hospital..."  This was about a lady that is super interested in me and that I am warily interested in.  WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL?!  :(  Makes me sad.  It makes feel more different than everyone else.  I put on such a good show.  I'm the happiest bestest most put-togetherest person around!  RIGHT?!  Right.  :|  Ugh.  Let's just keep on keepin' on.  :(

I'm tired of this up and down bullshit.  I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality and it scares me.  I've tried so many things and nothing lasts.  I'm running out of options and I'm exhausted.

First, I cry when I show my best friends the video "Annai For an Eye" and then I get home and Sally tells me that the new girl I really liked has a girlfriend.  I don't really know what to do.  It just reinforces the idea that there isn't anyone as eccentric as me that I can identify with.  I've been trying so hard but I guess life likes to throw hard shit at you to make you second guess it.  I am having a hard time staying positive.

Normalness

I liked a girl, told her about it kinda, and found out through my own and a friend's means that she liked me as a friend.  I LOVE that things are this simple.  She's super cute and I completely respect her point of view.  Not everyone likes everyone and that's the way things are.  I'm growing up just for this example.  So many people have much to learn from our little interaction.  Sure, I wish things could've gone farther but what I like more is that I wasn't lead on for 6 months or lied to.  I could tell by her conversation, got the hint, and I shan't pursue the situation.  3/4 of me feels content while 1/4 is sad.  I made out alright.  I'm doing well.  I'm doing well!  I am happy for myself and how I handled this situation after the last year that I've lived.  It's been shit and things are still working on getting better but this is a large "thumbs up" for my progress.