Anguish

God damn... work is awful.  I hold back tears the entire time and I am consumed with horrible nostalgia.  The only ideas I can hold are incredibly painful.  The playing in the snow with Allie, the champagne spilled in my back seat on new year's, the bird watching for Allie's class, the driving to Baskett with her...  It never ends.  The most sobering idea was that it was almost 6 years ago that I met her and I'm STILL upset about it.  It's been about 3 years since we broke up.  My life has had good points since then but on average it has been anguish.

I look the past with envy and longing.  So many of my friends have gone, I have dropped out of school, everyone else graduated, I have been to the psych ward 3 times, and now I struggle to stay alive every day and work at a gas station.  I have no hope left.  I have recently begun to feel that this is my destiny and that I was not meant for great things as I previously thought.  I just feel that it is not in the cards for me.  

My greatest regret was leaving Allie because I have seen the consequences spread out for a few years now.  I realize that as a person I have gained a lot because of the hardship I have endured.  I am much more aware of others and how to be more compassionate.  The thing is, though, is that I think I would trade the knowledge and experience I have gained over the past few years for the chance to go back and start over.  I know that I am placing all of my self blame on my the decision to leave her but my brain is strongly tying together our breakup and my subsequent descent together.  The last time I actually felt the joy of life was when we caught raccoons together.  After that everything went downward and I still haven't recovered.  

I am ashamed of my own mind and how it focuses on that relationship.  Writing this creates a lump in my throat that I am too familiar with.  We've been apart now for longer than we were together and I'm still fucking torn up about it.  This is not normal and I envy her resolve.  I genuinely loved her more than anyone else and I still agree with that today.  The hard idea to swallow is that she loved me, too, and accepted me for who I was whereas now I feel alienated and alone.  I feel like I threw away the best chance I had at love.  People always say that there is that one person out there waiting for you and I think I found her.  

My journey to hell has been paved with my insecurity about commitment and immaturity.  Combine that with a natural tendency for depression and you have a disaster.  She has dealt with the past and moved on like a normal person.  For me the trauma was too great and I struggle with it every day.  I don't think I'll ever be rid of it.  The past haunts me on a daily basis.  My body feels heavy and I don't care about pursuing life like I used to.