Update?

Things have been surprisingly more positive during the last few weeks.  I saw my mom for the first time since April.  That was better than expected.  I've been sending out resumes like junk mail.  I had an interview at the Boys and Girls Town in Columbia.  I want to work with kids and help them but these kids are "terminal"...  They will literally beat me up.  I think I want something more tame.  I want the "accessibility technician" job but I really think it's too good to be true.  It's a dream job.  I won't describe it anymore.  This text block will know if I get it.

I've been trying out online dating.  Shit sucks.  I've found one or two girls that I think are very similar to me but they don't respond.  That's fine because there are a few girls that have delved into me that I've just ignored because I wasn't interested.  That is how things work.  Yes, I think I would have great potential with these girls, but they aren't interested or have left the site.  That's totally understandable.  All I am trying to do is cast a wide net.  I am so very picky when it comes to girls that I alienate 98% of them.  Then, I feel like a creeper when I message someone online that I seem to like because I think it makes me a weirdo.  Whatevs!  I shall continue my search for now.

Ah ha!

Devil's Icebox! Bats!  I love them.  I don't want to disturb their hibernation but I just want to be near them at least when I leave.

Not sure of life

More new drugs and new doses!  Nothing is working and I'm pretty certain of my fate at this point, I just need to pull some things together first.  This isn't a life that I am comfortable with.  I'm so very tired and just want to sleep forever.

Oh boy! Them Frands!

Apparently I only like to post things while drunk.  That's fine.  When I'm drunk I have excellent proofreading skills.  I am indebted to my Chrome's suggestions.  I love that you all ended up at my house tonight!  We'll show that Ernie's who we be. xxooxsxoo xxooxoxxoxxoxxxx   xoxooxox xx  xxoxo  

Guess what?

I did my best to make sure things went ok.  We dated for awhile and had a good time.  I know how to look out for my avoidant behavior and I did my best.  I think I handled everything as well as I could but that doesn't mean that things ended ok.

When I first told her that it wasn't working out for me things were rough.  We went to brunch with her dad and step-mom one day and everything was ok as far as I was concerned.  She had been emphasizing how much she wanted me to meet her parents from day one.  That threw up some red flags but I always grant people the benefit of the doubt.  She is a great person that struggles greatly with anxiety and I have so much empathy but I just couldn't make a real emotional connection.  I tried so hard and put myself out there but nothing developed and that is just the way that dating works.  After meeting her dad for brunch she sent me a message on facebook.  I didn't get it until a few hours later and didn't feel the need to respond.  It was then that I decided to see how long she could go without me constantly providing feedback.  It was 23 hours later that she said in a message,
"aren't you even the slightest bit interested in how I am feeling?

• or are your video games so important that you'd just forget about me"
• That was when I knew that I was completely done.  I had known earlier that it wasn't going to work out and so I decided to tell her that I just wasn't feeling the way I should for it to continue.  After that she came to my house to talk it out.  I explained my position and always made sure that I was respectful to her and honest about my feelings.  The position that I maintain is that I just didn't feel that connection that I know to be indicative of a long-lasting relationship.  She seemed to be ok with this and she left.  Two hours later she showed up quite distraught asking me to reconsider.  After explaining myself again she seemed ok.  
• 
  
• We continued to talk online for a couple of days and I helped her understand her feelings.  It ended up with her accusing me of ruining the relationship because 1) she introduced me to the game Amnesia, and 2) I wasn't over Allie.  When she said both of those things I knew she was trying to make up problems that caused the relationship to fail.  I explained to her that sometimes people aren't compatible no matter what they do.  This is what I had tried to explain for the few days preceding this but I wasn't understood.  When she said those things I said that I was done and asked her to never come to my house again or speak to me.
• 
  
• I didn't want to be that abrasive but I told her that the relationship was starting to hurt me even after we'd broken up.  That is why I decided to end the communication.  I really like her as a person but I feel like we are on different levels.  I tried to explain that and I went as far as I could.
• 
  
• Sometimes things just suck!  
• 
  
• 
  

Desperation

Just as soon as I start to get a handle on the intangible things in life the material world shows up.  My parents have always paid for my gas and cell phone but those will be removed at the end of the month.  I get about 3 calls a day from debt collectors.  My parents cosigned on my loans and said that the banks will start garnishing their wages soon if I can't get them deferred somehow.  Our landlord sent us threatening mail today since I was late paying rent.

I'm in a new relationship and I don't really know what to do about it either.  I quite like her but her anxious attachment style is directly in conflict with my avoidant-attachment style.  Everything I've read about attachment theory says that the best thing one can do is to avoid that match up since they are opposites.  I'm sticking with it because the only way to alleviate some of those issues are to work through them.  I've been through lots of tough situations in relationships but she hasn't.  She's experienced more parental issues than I have but less romantic problems.

I don't know what to do about all this.  I'm beginning to feel comfortable inside my own head but now the outside world has shown up and it is upset with my actions.  If my parents start suffering because I couldn't make it in the world then I'll probably just give up sometime this winter.

Always so hard!

The last time I was interested in a girl I took the aggressive route.  I have NEVER been an assertive or direct kind of guy but I tried something new.  Group therapy helped me choose my approach toward anything.  I thought that if I actually reached out that others would reach back.  Nothing happened.  In fact, the other party shied away.  I chalked this up as someone with the same issues as me and I moved on.

I'm now interested in someone else but I find myself in a strange place.  She is recently out of a serious relationship and is still dealing with it.  I've been in that position before.  I've been in that position so hard that it literally almost killed me.  She is going through a lot and I don't know how to respond.  The best course of action I can think of is laissez-faire.  This reaction comes from my last interaction.  I have the utmost respect for others and don't want to be a burden and that's why it's hard for me to be assertive.  I like this lady but I know what she's been through.  The problem that I face is trying to figure out if she is even remotely interested in me or not.  I just want a yes or no answer.  I've been through all sides and can handle it.  I really don't have the patience for it anymore.

Movin' On Up

The last lady I was interested ended up not being into me so I bailed out.  My last post(s) indicated that she liked me but I posted many times and then deleted them because I thought they were too revealing.  As if this blog isn't revealing enough, RIGHT?!  She was the definition of avoidant-attachment.  I came from that and I have no intention of dealing with that again any time soon.  She was wonderful and I was incredibly attracted to her but her lack of reaction and acknowledgment turned me off after about 10 times of being rejected.  She promised many times that we'd hang out and then disappeared.  I took that as her just not being interested in me - which is fine - but it gets confusing when she says that she likes me.  I gave her about 5 second chances before I gave up.  I am ashamed that I put so much work into it.  I really tried to be compassionate and empathetic but some of us are at such different stages that they can't recognize it or they just can't articulate that they simply aren't interested.  I wish I didn't have to just bail out after so many failed attempts.  She's great but the interaction left me with a negative idea of her.  It would've been better if she just told me she didn't like me.  At least then I could've rationalized it instead of wallow in my own wonder.

It's done though!  I've moved on to better ways to invest my attention.  There's another lady and this time I am quite hesitant.  She went through the same thing that sent me to crazy land so I completely empathize with her.  She's cute and we had coffee one day but we barely know each other.  I am hesitant and hopeful, but not the way I was with the last girl.  I am more realistic this time.

I just want a best friend.  That's all I'm looking for.  I was looking for that with the last girl but nothing was reciprocated.  Hopefully my work will pay off some time.

Communique

It's amazing how much this whole communication thing can do.  It usually isn't my forte but I've been trying really hard to correct my bad habits.  Every time I've opened someone up to communicate I always come out feeling much better.  I hope they do, too.  So many of our problems come from dwelling upon our interactions with others.  When those are cleared up and all paths open there are no worries.  It doesn't matter if you hear things that don't fit your desires, everything is clear and that overshadows any negative feelings.  Clarity is much more important than personal desires.

Ugh!

God, I feel like a neurotic high school girl.  It seems that I'm now the one that worries about the emotional connection.  Such an opposite!  I was always the one that wanted less contact and emotional connection and now I'm the only one that wants it!  What an unjust world!  An inauspicious day washes over the normal and turns it to opposite.  You become what you were, and wrong the rights you up and left.  How sad it is to revive your bygone negatives only to have them show you that your progressions ultimately end in regressions!  Quite circular.  I hate falling into that endless circle. I have come so far only to lose my balance.  I am tired of this particular beginning.  Lately, I've seen beyond the beginning.  It was enticing because of its purity and understanding.  As I inspected it in detail it shrank from my touch.  Every advance was met with a retreat.

What to do

At first things were great but now I just feel pushed away.  I also feel like I'm pushing and prying too much to get a response.  That is not the kind of interaction I want.  I won't waste my time reaching out and being vulnerable if there won't be any reciprocation.  It's just not a fair nor considerate relationship.  I was really interested in her but sometimes things don't work out and that's just the way it transpired.  There are plenty of other people for me to invest my time in.

Communication

I tried that whole "effective communication" thing and it completely worked!  It feels so good to know what is going on and all I had to do was ask.

Always remember that the things that people say or do aren't directed towards you as much as they are directed towards themselves.

Putting myself out there.

I'm trying!  It has taken me nearly 2 years to start liking someone and I'm trying very hard.  I've put myself out there and I've been very forward.  I've shown interest in multiple girls but no one shows interest in me and it's quite disheartening.  It's taken me this long to get to the point that I can even make advances but all of them seem to be rejected.  I am very grateful towards Hannah R.  She was the first I pretty much asked out from out of nowhere.  We had only met twice (both while drunk) but she stuck in my mind and I decided to try it out.  We had ice cream together and drank at her place but there seemed to be a glaring age difference.  It's only 3 years but it stuck out.  I'm very thankful that she even gave me a chance.  Yes, I'd do it again, but I also realize that it didn't work well for her and it's best to have closure instead of nothing at all.  I've tried to go out with four girls including her and she's the only one that even reciprocated.  Kudos to her!

I'm positive, though!  Above all I had a great time and I would do it again.  Fun times!

Positive Negative

I feel ok but I don't know what to do.  I like a girl/girls but in differing intensities but my crazy head prompts me to shy away.  I don't know if I should just dive in like I would want to or avoid like my body tells me.  So many conflicts!  I like everyone but the way I end up acting shows otherwise.  :(  It's hard to be yourself when so many forces are acting upon you.

Talked

I talked to my parents yesterday.  Dad didn't tell mom that I wanted to talk so I kind of just sprung it on her.  I spoke for about 40 minutes.  Her reaction?  Complete silence.  She didn't even show up to Easter at grandma's after it.  Didn't see all that coming but I guess I should've expected it.  When I was finished I sat there in tears for about a minute or two and then said, "The way you're reacting to an emotional person right now is the same way that I do... silence" and I got up and went to grandma's.  Nailed it.

I've compiled my list and will be speaking to my parents tomorrow morning.  I have no idea how it will go and that makes me nervous.  While waiting for my oil to get changed I filled two pages in my journal with things my mom did/does that hurt me.  I feel like a bookie with a ledger.  All I need now is a green visor, and old adding machine, and a dark, smoky office.

Hard out there.

I had lunch with my dad today.  It got pretty emotional.  He started talking about money problems and how I can't live off borrowed money forever and stuff.  He also said that it might be necessary that I move back in with them, get a job in Clinton, and start paying loans.  Just thinking of that makes me want to cry.  There's no way that I'll go back there and work a dead end job for the rest of my life to pay off loans and not have my fucking undergraduate degree.  That's worse than dying and I wouldn't last long there.  He seemed to think that just "having to get up and go to a job everyday would help".  RIIIIGHT.  As if I don't have shit I'm supposed to be doing right now that I just can't.

I'm withdrawing from my two classes tomorrow.  I'll only be able to make use of the student health center until the end of the summer.  I'm terribly afraid that I won't be able to get loans for next semester even if I feel lots better and able to do class work.  I'm sure my parents would refuse it and then I'd be fucked.  I don't know what I'd do but I'm not going back to live in Clinton.  I've been crying off and on since lunch and I'm just so tired of not being able to make it in life.

Umm, I heard tonight the phrase, "I heard she was in a mental hospital..."  This was about a lady that is super interested in me and that I am warily interested in.  WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL?!  :(  Makes me sad.  It makes feel more different than everyone else.  I put on such a good show.  I'm the happiest bestest most put-togetherest person around!  RIGHT?!  Right.  :|  Ugh.  Let's just keep on keepin' on.  :(

I'm tired of this up and down bullshit.  I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality and it scares me.  I've tried so many things and nothing lasts.  I'm running out of options and I'm exhausted.

First, I cry when I show my best friends the video "Annai For an Eye" and then I get home and Sally tells me that the new girl I really liked has a girlfriend.  I don't really know what to do.  It just reinforces the idea that there isn't anyone as eccentric as me that I can identify with.  I've been trying so hard but I guess life likes to throw hard shit at you to make you second guess it.  I am having a hard time staying positive.

Normalness

I liked a girl, told her about it kinda, and found out through my own and a friend's means that she liked me as a friend.  I LOVE that things are this simple.  She's super cute and I completely respect her point of view.  Not everyone likes everyone and that's the way things are.  I'm growing up just for this example.  So many people have much to learn from our little interaction.  Sure, I wish things could've gone farther but what I like more is that I wasn't lead on for 6 months or lied to.  I could tell by her conversation, got the hint, and I shan't pursue the situation.  3/4 of me feels content while 1/4 is sad.  I made out alright.  I'm doing well.  I'm doing well!  I am happy for myself and how I handled this situation after the last year that I've lived.  It's been shit and things are still working on getting better but this is a large "thumbs up" for my progress.

Books.

My therapist told me to look up Brene Brown, a social researcher that talks about vulnerability and attachment stuff.  I bought her two books and another one from Levine and Heller called, "Attached".  After reading and taking quizzes and what-not I've determined that I'm pretty solidly the mix between anxious- and avoidant-attachment styles; the rarest one.  It's been a shitty journey for the past year or so but I'm doing much better and really seeing the problems that I have for what they are.  It's sad to read this "Attached." book because it reinforces what destroyed me when I got depressed.  Allie's attachment style was secure and mine was avoidant.  She did everything she could for the relationship but I resisted all of it.  Only now do I understand our actions in the situation.  Only now do I know what I should have done.  The hard part is letting it all go and leaning into the idea that "what's done is done".  All the cards were perfect for an awesome secure relationship and life but I wasn't mature enough to realize it.

  I have been rebuilding my entire personality since my breakdown and it's been super difficult.  I'm rebuilding and making sure to remove the numerous negative attributes of my previous self.  I had no empathy, compassion, understanding, and I never recognized my own vulnerabilities.  What kind of partner can you be if "nothing is ever wrong" with you?  How can your partner see you as emotionally equal when you put up all these defenses to make sure you won't get hurt?  It's hard to build a good person but I know that this is better than where I was, even if I was more content with the world... content in my fake personality.

This is it.

This is the most true thing I have ever seen in my life.  I watched this and throughout it have been crying so much that both shoulders of my shirt were soaked with tears.

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/sherwin_nuland_on_electroshock_therapy.html

He is what I will be if I continue on my current path.  I haven't chosen this path but it is what I am on.  Every small thing he details such as the hyper-awareness and inability to do anything and even get up before 1 or 2pm is exactly me.  It's the person I have been for 3+ years. I had a break down, I got better, but now I'm falling back into it.  I feel like it's getting worse.  I want to just fall into a hole and never get out.  It is so much easier to succumb than it is to fight but the feeling of that idea is gone.  I know what it is like to live life.  You all do it all the time and everyday and that means that you don't know what it's like to NOT feel it.  People like me are just seen as lazy.  You.  Have.  No.  Idea.

EDIT 1/26/2011:  Drunk post is drunk.  I still feel this hopelessness from time to time but at least in the past week I've begun to see my words and ideas as misconceptions.  The death of happiness comes from comparing yourself to others.  For serious.  I read a whole book on it and it helped.  "The Gifts Of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.  Super good read.

My attachment shit.

This is what my therapy has shifted to focus on lately:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

I'm mostly the dismissive-avoidant with some of the fearful-avoidant stuff.  Here's an email I got from my mom a few days ago and my response:

HER:

You'd better get back to Chinese......Listening to a billionaire 
> > investor (Jim Rogers) who says the best thing you can do for your 
> > children is to teach them Mandarin Chinese.  He moved his family 
> > there 40 years ago because he saw the righting on the wall.  It 
> > might be the only way YOU will ever get out from under the 
> > tremendous debt you and I have occurred.  I love you, do some 
> > thinking on this for yourself and your future.

ME:

I have already said that Chinese doesn't interest me right now.  My 
> debt and academic future isn't important to me right now either.  
> What I am concerned with right now is being ok and doing what makes 
> me happy.  I appreciate the concern but telling me what I should 
> be doing only serves to make things worse and is the exactly the 
> kind of phrase that put me in my situation.
HER:
OUCH



REALLY?  That's her response.  Wow.  I was so pissed off when I got that I just yelled, "OH GO FUCK YOURSELF."  Shit sucks.  It's her fault that I suck at relationships.  All these years she has patronized me, made me feel weak, and talked about how mature she is.  How wrong all that is!  So now I get to go about fixing all this while I'm already dealing with chronic depression.  So excited!

Ok we have had lots to drink.  Yeah the night features the girl you have had a slight interest in for the past 3 years but whatever, your feelings get in the way.  Shit doesn't feel right.  I leave every friend situation with craziness.  I'm always the one that doesn't work out right.  Nothing feels OK.  EVER.  I'm working on making this a permanent thing for me.  My problem is AVOIDANT-ATTACHMENT for those of you who are interested.  It's always greater than me.  It's hard to be apart of something that knows more than you and is more than you.  Wow, welcome to my drunk blog.  whatever.

New Year

The worst year ever is finally over!  Things are kinda up and down.  All the good effects of my medication started to wear off and left me feeling sedated so I doubled my dose.  I'm better now, I think.  Those all-consuming feelings of apathy and lethargy really get to me sometimes and it worries me that I'll just keep feeling sub-par forever.  I know what awesome feels like.  I probably have one awesome day a month and the rest is just barely ok.  I'm much better than I was last year at this time!