Anguish

God damn... work is awful.  I hold back tears the entire time and I am consumed with horrible nostalgia.  The only ideas I can hold are incredibly painful.  The playing in the snow with Allie, the champagne spilled in my back seat on new year's, the bird watching for Allie's class, the driving to Baskett with her...  It never ends.  The most sobering idea was that it was almost 6 years ago that I met her and I'm STILL upset about it.  It's been about 3 years since we broke up.  My life has had good points since then but on average it has been anguish.

I look the past with envy and longing.  So many of my friends have gone, I have dropped out of school, everyone else graduated, I have been to the psych ward 3 times, and now I struggle to stay alive every day and work at a gas station.  I have no hope left.  I have recently begun to feel that this is my destiny and that I was not meant for great things as I previously thought.  I just feel that it is not in the cards for me.  

My greatest regret was leaving Allie because I have seen the consequences spread out for a few years now.  I realize that as a person I have gained a lot because of the hardship I have endured.  I am much more aware of others and how to be more compassionate.  The thing is, though, is that I think I would trade the knowledge and experience I have gained over the past few years for the chance to go back and start over.  I know that I am placing all of my self blame on my the decision to leave her but my brain is strongly tying together our breakup and my subsequent descent together.  The last time I actually felt the joy of life was when we caught raccoons together.  After that everything went downward and I still haven't recovered.  

I am ashamed of my own mind and how it focuses on that relationship.  Writing this creates a lump in my throat that I am too familiar with.  We've been apart now for longer than we were together and I'm still fucking torn up about it.  This is not normal and I envy her resolve.  I genuinely loved her more than anyone else and I still agree with that today.  The hard idea to swallow is that she loved me, too, and accepted me for who I was whereas now I feel alienated and alone.  I feel like I threw away the best chance I had at love.  People always say that there is that one person out there waiting for you and I think I found her.  

My journey to hell has been paved with my insecurity about commitment and immaturity.  Combine that with a natural tendency for depression and you have a disaster.  She has dealt with the past and moved on like a normal person.  For me the trauma was too great and I struggle with it every day.  I don't think I'll ever be rid of it.  The past haunts me on a daily basis.  My body feels heavy and I don't care about pursuing life like I used to.

Sober post?!

I think this will be my first completely sober blog post in probably a year.  I usually only write in this when I'm depressed and drinking.  About 90% of the time drinking makes me feel less depressed but that other 10% is the part that writes these.

As of the past week things have been abnormally good and it kind of scares me.  I'm not used to feeling ok.  I'm still completely broke so I can't really go out but other than that I feel good(ish).  I saw a counselor yesterday and he strongly suggested that I'm bi-polar.  It has been said before but I've just always been so depressed with no manic episodes.  He told me that even if you've had just ONE manic episode ever that's enough to be diagnosed.  Wonderful.  Late in high school I had some pretty intense mood swings where I'd have a flight of ideas, talk loud and fast, become super creative, drive fast, spend lots of money, etc.  That's pretty much a textbook example of a manic episode.  I've been doing some wiki research and there are a few things that really stood out to me:

"Advanced paternal age has been linked to a somewhat increased chance of bipolar disorder in offspring, consistent with a hypothesis of increased new genetic mutations."

My mom was 35 and my dad was 32 when they had me.  I looked up what constitutes "advanced paternal age" and it's pretty much anything after 24 but gets progressively worse.  Noted.

"Genetic factors contribute substantially to the likelihood of developing bipolar disorder..."

My sister has it.

Here's the thing that really prompted me to blog this so that I could remember it later:

"The "kindling" theory asserts that people who are genetically predisposed toward bipolar disorder can experience a series of stressful events, each of which lowers the threshold at which mood changes occur. Eventually, a mood episode can start (and become recurrent) by itself. There is evidence of hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA axis) abnormalities in bipolar disorder due to stress.

There is fairly consistent evidence from prospective studies that recent life events and interpersonal relationships contribute to the likelihood of onsets and recurrences of bipolar mood episodes, as they do for onsets and recurrences of unipolar depression."

To me this clearly says that my crazy breakdown over a relationship about 3 years could've caused all this.  That is when everything went to shit.  It was a traumatic experience and I actually exhibited PTSD symptoms for awhile afterward.   Ever since that breakdown I've felt like it physically broke me.  When I was in the middle of it I actually wrote in journals that I felt "like my brain was physically falling apart".  Allie even suggested bi-polar a couple years ago.  Apparently, it's really hard to diagnose because most people just call it depression.  I can see that being really difficult because I don't see my good moods as something negative.  They aren't, it's just abnormal compared to my default state of melancholy.

 

 

Off Switch

Any time I end up talking about or thinking about Allie I end up wishing that I just had an off switch.  It's far too much for me to STILL think about.  It's so fucking hard when people quiz me on my past relationships because I don't want to be that guy that says "I don't want to talk about it" even though that's what I feel.  We may not have been perfect for each other but that relationship was the first and last REAL thing that I felt.  I have never before or since had my life altered in that way.  That is why is was so hard for me to let go.  Even if we weren't going to be romantically involved, I still wanted some sort of interaction. I now know that it wasn't feasible but my brain didn't know that.  I just wanted to still be connected to the only thing that ever showed me what love and joy was.  It's hard when you were the one that threw it away.  It eats you alive.

Just what I predicted!

Yep, things are getting bad.  I'm desperately grasping at things that will sustain me and none of them work.  I'm half a month behind on rent and getting eviction notices.  I honestly think I'd be in a much better place if it weren't for so much financial bullshit.  I just cannot live like this and I don't want to.  I have birthday parties coming up and St. Patrick's day but I really can't attend them because I have $-13 in my bank account (that will be shut down soon because of that).  This is all way too stressful for me in my current state and I seriously cannot deal with it.

Always the same

Well, lately my life has been a bit weird.  Honestly, I've feel better than normal since I stopped taking all my meds.  It scares me a bit.  I feel more impulsive and less restrained.  I won't ever hurt anyone else but I feel like I'm unshackled (for better or for worse).  I spent about an hour sitting at Bethel park tonight around midnight smoking a cigar and drinking a beer.  A tsunami of emotions crushed me and I could not stop crying.  It made me realized that maybe all the "normalness" I've been feeling was just withdrawal symptoms of my meds and now it's going away.  It compounded upon itself because I knew that I felt good and felt ok with myself.  The problem came about when I realized that I was still depressed no matter what has happened to me.  In the first place I had no hope, then I had multiple people in psychiatry treat me and none of their help actually worked.  THAT is the most depressing thing ever... to know that the most talented people around have tried to help you to no avail.  To know that the things they say now are just to appease you when I can see through them.  They don't want to say that they don't know, but I can see it in their faces.  They are scientists like me and I can tell.  Sometimes there isn't an answer.  That is why we work.  I just don't agree with their methods and I'm afraid it will end in my death.

Where am I?

Status:

• I have a very negative bank account balance and rent is due in 5 days
• I got approved for food stamps today
• I applied for unemployment benefits/assistance last week
• I've run out of one of my medications due to the fact that:
• I can't afford to make an appointment with my psychiatrist
• Since I have no money I can't go out
• I owe my roommates about $300 and I feel awful about it
• And finally/usually, the girl I was really interested in hasn't reciprocated so that's over with.

YAY FOR ME!

:[

This horrible feeling that I've had for so long now reminds me of how Rip Van Winkle must have felt.  During these 3+ years that I've been depressed I have this blanketing feeling as though I've awoken to find everything I've loved to be gone.  She is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I have continuously compared my feelings to how I felt when I was with her.  That was the turning point.  When I tore my own life apart was the time when I left her.  Now, I've woken up and since my awakening I've tried to reach out to her in order to spark some sort of meaningful connection.  But... she is very smart.  She has distanced herself from me and rightfully so.  I would've done the same thing in her position.  Why reconnect with someone that hurt you that bad, someone that unstable, someone so unpredictable?  I certainly wouldn't.  It's that feeling of love and connection that constantly compare myself to.  Nothing has been the same since then and that's how I know I don't feel well.  My physical brain manifestations coincided with such a strong emotional turmoil to create what I am today and I don't like it.  If either event would've occurred alone I think I would be ok.  Unfortunately, the culmination of my emotional immaturity the break-up, and my predisposition to mental illness ended up ruining me.  I am impervious to treatment and that is the most depressing thing.  I have worked so hard and made so much more progress than the majority of others in my position and I am STILL all manner of fucked up.

If I could go back and undo things I would.  I would erase my past 3 years in a heartbeat.  Yes, I've had some good times but what are a few good times compared to multiple suicide attempts?  I don't think it's worth it.  I just keep on scrambling to find scraps of my old life in the upcoming days and it's really not working out too well.  I have a semi-date tomorrow night with a girl I think is super cute but this dark cloud hangs overhead and makes fun of me.  I've been on quite a few dates in the past few months and at this point any new prospect is essentially a joke to me.  I doubt that anything will ever be as powerful and as loving as what I had and all the therapy has told me to look forward and away from that.  But what does one do when your entire future is bleak when compared to the past?  People are supposed to learn from the past and grow so that they are happier in the future.  That is why we learn.  What is the point of anything when the more you mature the more depressed you become?  That's not the correct life.  Life is tough for everyone but it should always get better.  Mine began its downward descent when I left her but I wish that was the only thing that happened.  If it were all my fault then I could face it and own up to it.  I have done that and things are still getting worse.  Me leaving her is more of just a signpost on the road of shit that was already laid down.  The road was already there but I chose to take it.  Now I just can't get out of it no matter how hard I try or how hard the doctors try.  This is why I have little hope.

I look forward to my date tomorrow and I will give it everything I have just like I always do.  If it doesn't work I won't be surprised.  It will just look like my past 3 years.  I always try hard but there are only two outcomes:  I get what I want for a little bit and then the world turns to ash OR I fail and the world is grey.

I would give anything to go back.  I know that I can't and maybe that's why I feel that my only option is to just leave everything altogether.

Here we are again.

Well, I've been psych ward a total of two weeks since my last post.  The first time I was committed this year was because I told my psychiatrist that I flushed all my medications and she had the cops take me in.  The second time just decided to walk to Ashland (20 miles away) in the middle of the night and drink a lot in the process.  I got about 18 miles and the cops picked me up.  ECT didn't really work and my meds only help a little.  Usually, when I'm discharged from the hospital I feel alright.  This time I was just as hopeless as when I went in.  They blamed everything on my drinking and actually said that I was an alcoholic that needed to go to rehab.  Yes, I drink everyday but I have never once had cravings or withdrawal symptoms and I can stop whenever I want.  I just choose to drink because it's fun.

I lost my job at Boys and Girls Town and I'm currently trying to get on disability.  I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning but I have $-65 and can't pay the co-pay.  If I don't get on disability relatively quickly - and it usually takes about 6 months for others - then I think I'll probably try to kill myself again.

So essentially I'm back at square one with no real plan.  I've tried to kill myself twice now and I think the third time will be the charm.

I can't get refills on my meds until I make an appointment with the psychiatrist.  I can't afford the co-pay or the meds themselves.  I flushed what I had left. I'll tell the nurses on Monday before my appointment that I'm done with it and to pass that on to my psychiatrist.

oy vey

Mentally I have been feeling better over the past month.  I started taking stimulants again and that has helped a little bit with increasing my interest in things but only marginally.  The dating has been mediocre at best and it is really getting me down.  I've gone out with 3 girls that I've contacted on okcupid and I just really haven't felt drawn to any of them.  I think that it's a feeling co-morbid with my lack of interest in hobbies.  I don't do anything because I don't really like anything.  I've felt like this for a few years now and I'm sick of it coming and going in waves.  There'll be times when I look back and am really happy at what I did and what I was interested in even after my major episode.  A year ago I was planning on starting an art business, filled half a notebook with ideas for t-shirts, spent 5 hours editing video from pokemon episodes...  I am stagnant now.  I do nothing.  I'm slowly gaining weight and I just want to sleep all the time.

The whole dating thing makes me feel like I've actually gotten worse at connecting with people even after I've done so much work to correct my past mistakes.  I don't think I'll ever feel those butterflies in my stomach after meeting a girl again like I used to.  I just really don't care.  When I go out on dates I feel like I'm way more eccentric, talkative, and "out there" than they are.  I just feel like I'm in another dimension and the bridge between us can't exist.  I've felt this before and taking my words at face value one would assume I'm having sexual orientation issues.  I really wish that were the case at this point.  That would simplify everything and explain how I feel.  The problem is that I'm just not attracted to anyone.  I don't feel like I'm further ahead of the girls I meet and I don't feel like I'm behind them.  I feel as if I have an extra mental or spacial dimension.  I'm obviously putting work into meeting girls but I think that it has been detrimental to my emotional stability.  These dates seem to only reinforce the idea that I'm fundamentally different and won't be able to find someone that I can meld minds with.  I feel like I see too much and I hate it.  The peanut gallery in the back of my mind is growing all the time.  They are awful and dangerous to me.