Still truckin'

Things are still going well.  It's like a little switch was flipped that caused me to look up instead of down.  I actually want to do things now instead of just vegetate.  I'm painting and drawing and my creativity is slowly developing.

One interesting thing I learned in therapy recently was that my mom played a large part in screwing me up.  She mentally terrorized me my whole life, set unrealistic goals for me, and lead by fear.  I'm getting more and more bitter towards her every day.  She's incredibly condescending and hypocritical and I feel like it's getting worse.  I don't think I like her as a person anymore.  Her mind is so polarized that she can't ever be wrong and everything she says is some sort of sage wisdom granted to her by her age.  Thinking back over my whole life the only memories I attribute to her are getting yelled at and being afraid.  Everything was always, "Do this or this bad thing will happen" instead of "If you do your best, good things will come".  It's like trying to train a dog by only yelling at them.  I don't remember getting much affection.  I could never confide in her because every time I did I was made to feel weak.  When I went home for thanksgiving it was super difficult to not give her the awkward side hug.  My dad is better but he went insane after the election and now everything is Glenn Beck and NRA.  What they both have in common is that every fucking discussion has to be political or socially linked.  For example:  we were watching awesome African music videos on youtube and my mom made some sort of comment about how Malawi was where Angelina Jolie gets her children.  I said that it is probably better for them to grow up surrounded by their own culture and be poor rather than be bought and grow up in the lap of luxury while never fitting in.  My mom's exact response was, "Oh, you can't do that!  You'd be called a racist!  That's a very racist thing to say these days."  I didn't really know what to say because I knew that her response was directly linked to how most republicans play that whole we-can't-say-bad-things-about-Obama-because-we'll-be-called-racist thing.  We weren't even talking about race issues.  All I said was, "No... I don't think I'd be called a racist.  It's a completely different thing."  After that, I realized that whenever I'd even slightly disagree with her she'd get super defensive and if I pushed any more she'd resolve to playing the age card.  "Well that's what we all think when we're younger.  I sure did.  You'll get older and realize that everything isn't the way it seems."  I cannot stand logical fallacies and booby-traps.  I don't ever want to go back home and it's solely because of these types of issues.  I don't really like her and I'm getting more and more distant from her all the time.  I never was very attached to her, it's just that I was forced to be or else I'd get in trouble for stupid things.

WHAT

Things are going awesomely!  I haven't felt this good/normal since high school or early freshman year college.  Shit rocks!

I was playing Borderlands online with Jeff last night while listening to Chillin' Illin' and Grillin' by the Moustache Men DJ's.  All of those things together make me super nostalgic.  The summer of '09 was a good time.  I didn't know that it'd be the calm before the storm that brewed up that following winter.  It makes me pretty sad to think that my college days are essentially over.  Jeff, Jane, Dave, Jonna, Allie, and everyone else is gone.  Ricky is still around but I don't see him as much as I used to.  It's all dwindled down to nothingness so quickly and at such a rough time.  There's no going back and everything from here on out is new.  Sometimes that seems fun but mostly it's just depressing.  They certainly were the best four years of my life and I'm worried that the next years will just suck in comparison.  Unless I'm doing something crazy and new all the time they will certainly be lesser.

Shit!

Memoir

I've just realized a significant facet of my depression.  I am afraid that I won't be able to be close to someone unless we both share a common recent past.  Allie and I shared a lot of college and I find it difficult to recreate that with someone else.  I feel that everything I am is the product of the past four years and anyone outside my close circle of friends just won't understand me.  I know this is irrational but it was something that made me super depressed back in my crazy phase.  Now that I see it I hope I can reverse it.  It just seems like so much to start something as serious with someone new.

Feelin' groovy.

I think I'm feeling quite well.  I want to blame it on my new drug, mirtazapine, but it could just be a placebo effect.  I do feel good.  I told my whole depressing year-long story to the group today and was met with a very warm response from everyone.  The girl sitting next to me really identified with everything I said.  I even inspired a few others to tell their stories next time.  I like feeling this way.  This feels like progress and it's wonderful.