Bad to Good to Bad to em dash

I always begin by referencing the last post.  Last time was bad.  I finally started taking Lamictal which is what my previous psychiatrist recommended after everything else had failed.  I went up and up to the maximum dosage, felt pretty good, had trouble with the side-effects, and halved it.  So here's where I am now:

• New full-time real job at MFA Oil doing tech support and mild accounting
• Started taking Remeron again because I was afraid of the winter
• Started taking Vyvanse again because I'll sleep for 18 hours if I don't
• Started dating a girl I met online
• Started taking Klonopin and I feel like a loser for resorting to it.  It doesn't work.
• Still drinking a lot
• Starting sentences with S
• DJing a night at The Bridge
• Starting to feel like shit again, prompting this post.

I don't feel things and I think that I've been deluding myself for the past 6 months.  Now that I'm dating again it's more apparent.  I'm not sure what to do.  She is a wonderful lady but my body is shit.  When you like someone you feel it in your chest; your heart.  You are compelled to fulfill them and your selves.  I am not these things.  I am not the perfect catch that she thinks I am.  If I don't take this pile of medicine every day I will die.  I write this post because I feel terrible even after taking them and it scares me more than anything can.  I have seen the horrors of life and I don't want to speak them.  I'll gladly spill my most embarrassing moments and divulge my strongest opinions, but I really don't want to tell you what those hospital bracelets are that I keep on my desk.  A husk is the the best definition I have found.