Memorial Day

Ah.  Three day weekend.  I visited my parents on Friday and Saturday.  Friday night Sonja and I hung out together with her cute dog and cat.  It was a good time full of drinks and smokes and a trampoline.  I got back to my parents' house around 8am and we watched lots of cute birds.  They are so abundant out there!  Scissor-tail Flycatchers, Barn Swallows, Red-Bellied Woodpeckers, and all manner of tyrant flycatchers.

Yesterday I nearly died in a rain storm on my way back to Columbia.  Visibility was effectively zero and I had to pull over for 20 minutes until it subsided enough to see more than 10 feet in front of my car.
Annie and I played Left 4 Dead and talked on Steam lots.  She's super cool and we think alike in terms of almost everything.

Tomorrow and Friday hold counseling sessions for me.  They're going well so far I just hope they continue to.

Ugh, I'm alive and I don't really  appreciate it.  I love Allie but I have been indoctrinating myself to dislike her and it's been working.  I no longer pine away for her 24 hours a day.  I only think about her half the day, if that.  I have conditioned myself to be disinterested in her.  It's interesting because I haven't been truly attracted to anyone since her.  What does that say???  I don't know and I am in therapy to define it.  Every therapist, Ph.D. and not has described me as something different for the past 6 years.  All I can come up with is the fact that I am broken.  I'm dealing with it now.  I feel super tired and depressed around 7pm everyday...and I have felt this way forever.  I just want to be happy.  :(  What is that like???  I honestly don't remember.  I don't know what it's like to be interested in things.

Bloggin'

Dude, am I bloggin'?  Shit, I'm bloggin'.  Gunnar, Dan, and Kayleigh, (that's a fake name I made it up because I couldn't find her on Facebook after 20 minutes. We were already friends!  She must have deleted her account or something.  Sad.  She's quite cute.

I've been pretty sad lately.  I've been getting over Allie, I think.  I've been conditioning my brain to think that she is horrible.  Every time I think of her, I force myself to associate bad thoughts with her.  It's helping brainwash myself to dislike Allie.  I love her but I shouldn't.  My self brainwashing has been helping a lot.  I don't feel like I am bound by thoughts of her like I have been for 2 years.  I've been working hard to get over her and I think it's paying off.   This is how my life continues.  I 'purposefully' throw away the person I love the most so that I can explore the world.  I come to my 'senses' two years later not knowing what the fuck is going on!

This is so hard!  I didn't get my bird job I wanted so badly.  :(   My sad face can't even express my depression.  The most unfortunate thing is that I can't even express how I feel!  Fuck!  I just type while drunk!  This means nothing!  Why do I even type here?  I hate this!  I don't like to show myself to others.  I would rather continue to write in my journal.  Where is it by the way?  Oh yes, Allie has it.   :(


FUCK MY LIFE.  I HATE THIS.  THERE'S SO MUCH TO DEAL WITH.  I'LL JUST GO CRY.


I wish life wasn't this hard.  AGONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Identity

I was driving home yesterday and saw an older man dressed in all black complete with an old-style military cap with a big cross on it.  He was holding what appeared to be a bible and some other literature.  It made me think about how everyone has this desire to define themselves.  "I'm a republican", "I'm a feminist", "I'm a democrat", "I'm a racist", "I'm an athlete", "I'm pro-life", "I'm a Christian", "I'm an atheist".  All of that.  Why do we need to define ourselves as something?  We only give ourselves these labels to contrast those of whom they don't apply to.  One calls oneself a republican because there are people that are not republicans.  I suddenly realized that I don't like this drawing of lines in the sand.  These labels don't apply to ourselves as much as they distinguish us from others.  If everyone was a feminist then no one would be a feminist.  Brother Jed preaches his incendiary word because there are others different from him and he views this difference as wrong.  This goes for all of the labels I mentioned. 

After seeing the old, dark dressed crusader, I wondered what I am.  Well, I fancy myself an amateur scientist and philosopher but that's a bit haughty.  I am nothing.

Hm.

Actually, now that I think about it... maybe I should call that girl about banding birds.  I do need some time to myself.  Maybe I could use it as a healing time.  Hm, maybe I just say that so that I can be alone and sabotage my friendships.  I tend to do that.  I don't like myself.  I am a lot more reclusive than I thought I was.  I like to hide myself because it feels comfortable.  I hate that I don't need people to be happy.  The problem is that I'm not happy without people.  As a kid I always played by myself.  I never went had play-dates or birthday parties.  I just hung out by myself.  I never learned to rely on people to be normal.  Now, when I want people, I don't know how to connect to them.  My personality has ruined my romantic relationships and pushed me to suicide... twice.

I have a counseling appointment on Monday.

No one understands this.  I can't explain my guilt.  I'm so sorry.  I wish I was strong.

Goddamn!

Boy am I drunk!  This is how every journal entry starts.  I don't like to type.  I like to write.  I haven't been writing in my journal because this is more convenient.

I did the cinnamon challenged / 2    Tonight.  I only tried to eat a teaspoon of cinnamon and it was too much.  I saw it on Tosh.0.  It sucks.  Don't ever do it.

I'm depressed but not dead yet.  Allie sent me an email about a bird job.  I want to do it so bad but I already told my job here I'd work full time all summer.  I think it would also be hard to just up and move to the Ozarks.  I love birds to the n'th degree but, fuck.  My future is amorphous.  I don't know what I'm gonna do.  I have no interest in anything but Picross.  My life is quite bland right now.  I'm still in limbo.  I need sleep so that I can wake up and do nothing.  I want to LOVE someone again!  I want to feel fulfilled!

IDONTREMEMBERWHATTHATISLIKE.

Of Course I'm Drunk

McNally's was great.  I left after drinking a pitcher and went to a party at Kate's.  Nora, Matthew, Quint, and Allison were there!  It was magical!  We danced a lot and had great times.  I chased Kate's dog down the street for about a mile.  I'm still a bit sad but tonight was good.  Nowadays, I get sad when I drink, which is opposite of normal.  I hope I get normal soon.  Everyone was so positive tonight.  I had a good time.  We watched Road House.  I sound like a first grader writing a paragraph.  Such short sentences! My mind is broken!  Forgive me!

As I go to bed, I turn around and see two books on my shelf: "Field Guide To birds of North America" and "Field guide to Insects and Spiders of North America".  Seeing those instantly made me cry.  I remember when I used to use those.  I remember when I would read them for fun.  I can relate with my old self.  I understand why I tried to kill myself twice.  I still don't understand why they tried to lock me up, though.  There were people in that place that heard voices.  I did not.  I'm not crazy.  I knew what I was doing.  They didn't.  They didn't know that their life sucked.  I was aware.  I'm still aware and I hate it.  I'm not trying to kill myself anymore but I'm teetering on the brink of insanity.  Life is not real to me.  I feel like I'm acting in a play.  I wish I was that talented.

I am D-runk as shit!  We went to McNally's and drank lots.  Gunnar was there and so was Alex and Jeff and Jane and Ricky!  It was wonderful.  Jane and I had some of Gunnar's Copenhagen.  Shit sucks.  Jane had to spit it out early and felt crazy and had to be carried home!  My lip still feels like shit but it kinda tasted good.  I was glad to spit it out but I like the nicotine.  I prefer it in the smoke variety though.  Gunnar is great.  I love him to death but I'm not very good at showing it.  My life is still horrible but I am afloat.  I'll just keep going.  Without my meds I would be dead ten times over by now if I hadn't had it.  Really.  I feel so bad for him.  I feel bad for me too but I don't know what that feels like!  This sounds dramatic but everything I feel is just a species of depression.  I'm either really depressed or barely depressed.  I am never happy or joyful.  Shit!  Maybe I should continue to up my dosage.  I'm thinking now that I want to just be those people in the mental institution that just shuffle around and don't know who they are.  I want to be on so many drugs that I don't remember people and I don't know who I am.  I have failed life and I'm just being kept alive.  I don't care if I'm dead or alive.  I've already seen the bottom of life.  I know what it's like to die.  It's not that bad when you desperately want it.  I just keep on living because everyone else wants me to.  I still don't really care.  It's so much work.  My only joy comes from seeing the grackles!  Today I woke up from a nap at 7pm because a grackle was in my tree going crazy.  I smashed my face against the screen so that I could see, and I found a grackle in my Tree!  It rhymed so I capitalized it.  A grackle was puffing up and swooping a black cat.  I said, "Hey!  Grackle!  You're cute but so is that cat!  I love the relationship you guys have."  The cat just kept wincing when the grackle swooped it.  They're amazing.  Everything is great in nature but I just don't feel it like I used to.  :(  I am a sad boy.  I wish I had that lust for life again.  I wish I knew what affection was.  I wish things.

More!

More depression!  My days are undulating and I don't like it.  I have another counseling appointment on Monday so I'm looking forward to that.

I want to remember what love feels like.  I want to remember what affection and compassion feel like.  Honestly, I can't remember.  I simply don't care about anything and I really haven't for almost 2 years now.  I would say that it hurts to be like this but I wouldn't know what to compare that feeling to.  I'm just unsettled.  Listless.  Apathetic.  Lethargic.  Reclusive.  Fake.  Bland.

Late nights with Picross.

I have no more beer.  I drank the rest of it last night.  Night times are sad.  I think my Paxil wears off or something because every night around 9pm I get sad and lethargic.  I'm tired of this!  I will go eat cookies and sit.

Undulations!

I had my first therapy session yesterday afternoon.  It went well.  We basically just laid out the ground work on everything that's wrong with me.  I have an appointment again next week.

Mallory and I have been hanging out a lot lately.  We had lunch and coffee on Saturday for about 6 hours.  It was good to talk to a friend about everything especially since we're both having the same problems.  She's got social anxiety and relationship issues as well.  I hope we get to move in together.

Days have been generally positive I guess.  I was fine today but since about 6pm I've been pretty depressed.  I'm tired of these undulations of bland emotions.  When I'm happy it's fake.  When I'm depressed it's distinct.  Things are better for me since leaving the hospital but they certainly aren't great.  I still don't have any interest in anything.  It seems like I have the capacity to live a fulfilling life but right now it's impossible.  I'm not happy, it's just that my head is being held above water by my medications and counseling.  Life.  Ugh.  So much work for so little gain.

Appointment

Just got home from seeing my psychiatrist.  It went well and was insightful as usual.  We only meet for 30 minutes every 3 months but I always seem to learn new things.  I of course had to explain to him what put me in the mental hospital and it's a story I've told upwards of 20 times now.  He shed some light on social anxiety for me.  I never thought I'd be someone that had social anxiety but I do.  He said that there is a gradient of anxiety ranging from nervousness and nausea to excessive worrying and obsessing about not irritating people.  I had always thought that social anxiety was of the former type.  I'm definitely the latter.

I saw a book on a shelf entitled, "Cutting" and asked him why people do that.  I told him that I did that a lot before going to the hospital and still don't understand it.  My reasoning had always been that it was stupid to add physical pain on top of emotional pain.  Apparently, a lot of people do it because it is the only way to manifest any kind of emotion.  They can't express their feelings and so the physical pain replaces it.  I can agree with that. He also said that the pain releases endorphins that will ease some of the emotional hurt.  Interesting.  On that same note I asked him why severely depressed people always seem to turn to suicide.  I still can't understand it because anything that happens to people regardless of age or ethnicity just screams of an evolutionary benefit.  Suicide can't be an evolutionary response because the individuals expressing this can't pass on their genes.  So to me it just seems meaningless.  I've been there multiple times so I know what it's like.  It just makes sense after awhile and then it becomes an obsession.  His answer was that we honestly don't really know a lot about what in the brain causes that response to depression but it is usually seen as a way out of the pain.  The subconscious mind is horrible at making logic decisions and it is what prompts the suicidal decisions (my theory).  He then said, "Well why do whales beach themselves?"  I just stared and said that I didn't know.  He continued, "They'll beach themselves and we can save them and push them back into the water but they'll just beach themselves again.  It doesn't matter how many times you save them they still try it."  Weird.  It has to be something biological.

I told him about my lack of emotions and that the only thing in the past 6 months or so that ever made me really smile were birds and squirrels.  I told him that I can be depressed as shit, see two male cardinals bickering, and I'll just be filled with a sense of elation.  It's like something igniting inside me.  Now that I think of it, it's what I would call pure positive emotion.  Just distilled joy and happiness.  He said, "Maybe that's your emotional release.  I think you should watch birds more often."

When I got there I told him that they put me on Paxil when I was at the hospital.  He seemed a bit upset about that and said that Paxil would be the last thing he'd ever put someone on because of the side effects.  He agreed that it works well, though.  I haven't had any side effects except for some drowsiness so he said we'd keep me on it.  He bumped it up to 30mg so I'm anxious to see how that works out.

Today wasn't good.  I took my Chinese final and did pretty good but other than that I was super depressed all day.  My Chinese teacher is leaving MU for good and I didn't know so I didn't thank her in person.  We chatted on facebook and it was good but she was kind of sad.  Hell, I'm sad, too.  I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow at 8am.  I wonder how that will go.  Fuck, at least I'm done with finals.  I have a feeling that this summer will be rough.  Everyone is graduating and leaving and it's tearing me up.  I also have to deal with purging Allie from my mind.  It takes more energy than I have to keep thinking about all of it.  I'm afraid that if it doesn't get better soon that I'll actually go insane.  My mind is fragile and I feel like it can't take much more of this.  I've already hit the bottom and I don't want to do it again.  I don't think I'll try to kill myself again any time soon but my mind is weak and it may just decide to really break down.

Dumb

I'm dumb and dramatic.  Reading my entry from last night makes me want to throw up.  It's like I'm in high school again.  I just want to forget everything ever.  They were good memories and I talk about them a lot but they cause me so much pain now that I think it would be best to erase them.  Maybe I need electroshock therapy.  How come I'm having so much trouble with this?  She's just a person.  People can forget about people.  I forget about people all the time.  This one is just stuck in my head and it feels like something is broken in there that makes it loop all the time.  Four months is ample time to get over someone so I should be doing that right about now.

I didn't sleep at all last night.  My head was crazy again.  I have a Chinese final exam at 1 today.  I didn't study for it.  I haven't studied Chinese in about 2 months.  I'm still not interested in very much and it makes me sad.  Chinese used to be the thing I loved best and now I just don't really care.  我从来没准备考试。

I'm still not attracted to anyone, either.  About 2 years ago when my depression/alexithymia started I noticed that I felt like I needed more of a personal bubble and it was hard to show affection.  It was hard because I didn't know where my emotions had gone.  They just kind of fizzled out.  My libido was gone and I was nervous as hell about any sexual intimacy because I felt so self conscious.  That, of course, causes problems and it's hard to explain to your girlfriend.  Guys are supposed to be GUYS and want sex all the time.  Not so, and certainly not so when your head is broken.
Nothing was really great or really bad and this continued up to my stay in the mental hospital.  I feel like my emotions are slowly coming back.  I hope they hurry up.

End

This is it.  This is the end of my communication with Allie.  I've hidden her on facebook and deleted her from my phone.  I can't continue to have communication with her because it gives me something to cogitate.  I'm a wreck.  Still.  I'm not trying to kill myself but this is the worst pain I have ever experienced.  I feel like this all happened to me and wasn't my doing.  Actually, it was but I wasn't in my right mind.  I feel cheated by myself, by my own imperfect head.  I'm broken inside.  Why does this happen?  I have never wished malice upon anyone and I have always done my best to help everyone but I get shit on.  By who?  Myself.  I feel like I just woke up one day and everything is wrong.  It's almost as if I have amnesia.  It feels weird to cry.  I haven't done that since the 26th; my first day in the hospital.  It hurts.  It hurts to know that I HAVE to put her behind me. She's done with me and moved on.  She's normal.  She can deal with things like this.  I'm still tore up with it all.  Normal people get over such short relationships.  I can't seem to.  If it weren't for my new medication I would probably be cutting the shit out of myself again or trying to hang myself again.  I'm not sure if I can fight that off forever in this state.  I still don't have anything to live for.  I'm happier than I was but that's the same as saying that I'm the same I was minus the killing myself part.

Journal Entries

I've decided to post my journal here so that I'll have a hard copy and digital copy in case I lose one of them.  These journals start with my first day in the mental institution and end with one written today.

Rainy Day

I woke up at 9am, went back to sleep, got up at 1pm.  I realized that I hadn't gotten the email from my Chinese literature teacher outlining the paper I had to write for the final.  I went searching through old email and discovered that it was sent on Saturday and had a due date of today at noon.  I missed the deadline but I'm still trying to write it but no words are coming out.  I sat down to write in my journal to get something out and decided that I'm going to take pictures of my journal entries and post them here.  I don't like to type my mind out; I like to write it.  I just went through my old photobucket and cleaned it out.  There are some cute pictures I took of Lacey in there.  Seems like I used to have a lot of fun but the past 2 years have seen me sink into a shit hole of depression and insanity.  At least I'm still here and not actively trying to kill myself anymore.  Life certainly isn't perfect though.

Better?

Today was great.  I studied with Sicily at Lakota and then visited 3 of my professors to drop off my discharge papers.  All of them were really nice and helpful.  The weather is ridiculously nice out, too.

I had a dream yesterday about the best case scenario for my life, or one of them anyway.  I dreamt that Allie and I were researching birds in China.  At least my mind is focusing on more positive things lately.  It's still hard to cope with the fact that I ended the relationship even though I have more insight.  I made the decision because I didn't feel much anymore so I reasoned that it was because the relationship wasn't working.  Instead of talking it over and delving into my emotions, I ran away.  Now, I know that my lack of feeling wasn't because the relationship was bad, it was because of my social anxiety and quite possibly alexithymia.  It's tough to think about.  I gave up the best thing I've ever had because my emotions were broken, not because I was unsatisfied with her.  Due to my decision she'll never see me the same way ever again and it tears me up inside.  That's pretty much what spiraled and led to my suicide attempts.  Just knowing that I messed up the best relationship I've ever had hurt a lot, but then I saw that every other relationship was ended the same way.  Extrapolating this leads to my perpetual unhappiness in relationships.  Shit sucks.  I now have to work on coming to terms with the fact that I'm broken and that I can't change the past.  It'll be a long road.

Back

I'm back from my week long stay at Mid Missouri Mental Health Center.  AKA: psych ward, mental institution, crazy house, and my personal favorite, nervous hospital.  I met lots of great, crazy people there.  It was easier to make friends because we all had something in common.  I made friends with people that ranged in ethnicity and age from 19 to 60.

I'm out now but it's not like everything is all better.  I'm still relatively depressed and lacking in most emotions but I guess what matters most is that I'm not actively trying to kill myself anymore.  I'm completely unsure about the future and have to start over with all of my goals.  A clean slate is not very happy.  Everyone is graduating and leaving, starting a new chapter in their lives.  I'm still trying to figure out who I am, what I want, and what the hell I'm going to do.  I guess everyone else is worried about those things to a certain extent but my life has already broken once.  All I can do now is hope that my medication and counseling help or else I'll be back in that hospital.