Where am I?

Status:

• I have a very negative bank account balance and rent is due in 5 days
• I got approved for food stamps today
• I applied for unemployment benefits/assistance last week
• I've run out of one of my medications due to the fact that:
• I can't afford to make an appointment with my psychiatrist
• Since I have no money I can't go out
• I owe my roommates about $300 and I feel awful about it
• And finally/usually, the girl I was really interested in hasn't reciprocated so that's over with.

YAY FOR ME!

:[

This horrible feeling that I've had for so long now reminds me of how Rip Van Winkle must have felt.  During these 3+ years that I've been depressed I have this blanketing feeling as though I've awoken to find everything I've loved to be gone.  She is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I have continuously compared my feelings to how I felt when I was with her.  That was the turning point.  When I tore my own life apart was the time when I left her.  Now, I've woken up and since my awakening I've tried to reach out to her in order to spark some sort of meaningful connection.  But... she is very smart.  She has distanced herself from me and rightfully so.  I would've done the same thing in her position.  Why reconnect with someone that hurt you that bad, someone that unstable, someone so unpredictable?  I certainly wouldn't.  It's that feeling of love and connection that constantly compare myself to.  Nothing has been the same since then and that's how I know I don't feel well.  My physical brain manifestations coincided with such a strong emotional turmoil to create what I am today and I don't like it.  If either event would've occurred alone I think I would be ok.  Unfortunately, the culmination of my emotional immaturity the break-up, and my predisposition to mental illness ended up ruining me.  I am impervious to treatment and that is the most depressing thing.  I have worked so hard and made so much more progress than the majority of others in my position and I am STILL all manner of fucked up.

If I could go back and undo things I would.  I would erase my past 3 years in a heartbeat.  Yes, I've had some good times but what are a few good times compared to multiple suicide attempts?  I don't think it's worth it.  I just keep on scrambling to find scraps of my old life in the upcoming days and it's really not working out too well.  I have a semi-date tomorrow night with a girl I think is super cute but this dark cloud hangs overhead and makes fun of me.  I've been on quite a few dates in the past few months and at this point any new prospect is essentially a joke to me.  I doubt that anything will ever be as powerful and as loving as what I had and all the therapy has told me to look forward and away from that.  But what does one do when your entire future is bleak when compared to the past?  People are supposed to learn from the past and grow so that they are happier in the future.  That is why we learn.  What is the point of anything when the more you mature the more depressed you become?  That's not the correct life.  Life is tough for everyone but it should always get better.  Mine began its downward descent when I left her but I wish that was the only thing that happened.  If it were all my fault then I could face it and own up to it.  I have done that and things are still getting worse.  Me leaving her is more of just a signpost on the road of shit that was already laid down.  The road was already there but I chose to take it.  Now I just can't get out of it no matter how hard I try or how hard the doctors try.  This is why I have little hope.

I look forward to my date tomorrow and I will give it everything I have just like I always do.  If it doesn't work I won't be surprised.  It will just look like my past 3 years.  I always try hard but there are only two outcomes:  I get what I want for a little bit and then the world turns to ash OR I fail and the world is grey.

I would give anything to go back.  I know that I can't and maybe that's why I feel that my only option is to just leave everything altogether.

Here we are again.

Well, I've been psych ward a total of two weeks since my last post.  The first time I was committed this year was because I told my psychiatrist that I flushed all my medications and she had the cops take me in.  The second time just decided to walk to Ashland (20 miles away) in the middle of the night and drink a lot in the process.  I got about 18 miles and the cops picked me up.  ECT didn't really work and my meds only help a little.  Usually, when I'm discharged from the hospital I feel alright.  This time I was just as hopeless as when I went in.  They blamed everything on my drinking and actually said that I was an alcoholic that needed to go to rehab.  Yes, I drink everyday but I have never once had cravings or withdrawal symptoms and I can stop whenever I want.  I just choose to drink because it's fun.

I lost my job at Boys and Girls Town and I'm currently trying to get on disability.  I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning but I have $-65 and can't pay the co-pay.  If I don't get on disability relatively quickly - and it usually takes about 6 months for others - then I think I'll probably try to kill myself again.

So essentially I'm back at square one with no real plan.  I've tried to kill myself twice now and I think the third time will be the charm.