Books.

My therapist told me to look up Brene Brown, a social researcher that talks about vulnerability and attachment stuff.  I bought her two books and another one from Levine and Heller called, "Attached".  After reading and taking quizzes and what-not I've determined that I'm pretty solidly the mix between anxious- and avoidant-attachment styles; the rarest one.  It's been a shitty journey for the past year or so but I'm doing much better and really seeing the problems that I have for what they are.  It's sad to read this "Attached." book because it reinforces what destroyed me when I got depressed.  Allie's attachment style was secure and mine was avoidant.  She did everything she could for the relationship but I resisted all of it.  Only now do I understand our actions in the situation.  Only now do I know what I should have done.  The hard part is letting it all go and leaning into the idea that "what's done is done".  All the cards were perfect for an awesome secure relationship and life but I wasn't mature enough to realize it.

  I have been rebuilding my entire personality since my breakdown and it's been super difficult.  I'm rebuilding and making sure to remove the numerous negative attributes of my previous self.  I had no empathy, compassion, understanding, and I never recognized my own vulnerabilities.  What kind of partner can you be if "nothing is ever wrong" with you?  How can your partner see you as emotionally equal when you put up all these defenses to make sure you won't get hurt?  It's hard to build a good person but I know that this is better than where I was, even if I was more content with the world... content in my fake personality.

This is it.

This is the most true thing I have ever seen in my life.  I watched this and throughout it have been crying so much that both shoulders of my shirt were soaked with tears.

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/sherwin_nuland_on_electroshock_therapy.html

He is what I will be if I continue on my current path.  I haven't chosen this path but it is what I am on.  Every small thing he details such as the hyper-awareness and inability to do anything and even get up before 1 or 2pm is exactly me.  It's the person I have been for 3+ years. I had a break down, I got better, but now I'm falling back into it.  I feel like it's getting worse.  I want to just fall into a hole and never get out.  It is so much easier to succumb than it is to fight but the feeling of that idea is gone.  I know what it is like to live life.  You all do it all the time and everyday and that means that you don't know what it's like to NOT feel it.  People like me are just seen as lazy.  You.  Have.  No.  Idea.

EDIT 1/26/2011:  Drunk post is drunk.  I still feel this hopelessness from time to time but at least in the past week I've begun to see my words and ideas as misconceptions.  The death of happiness comes from comparing yourself to others.  For serious.  I read a whole book on it and it helped.  "The Gifts Of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.  Super good read.

My attachment shit.

This is what my therapy has shifted to focus on lately:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

I'm mostly the dismissive-avoidant with some of the fearful-avoidant stuff.  Here's an email I got from my mom a few days ago and my response:

HER:

You'd better get back to Chinese......Listening to a billionaire 
> > investor (Jim Rogers) who says the best thing you can do for your 
> > children is to teach them Mandarin Chinese.  He moved his family 
> > there 40 years ago because he saw the righting on the wall.  It 
> > might be the only way YOU will ever get out from under the 
> > tremendous debt you and I have occurred.  I love you, do some 
> > thinking on this for yourself and your future.

ME:

I have already said that Chinese doesn't interest me right now.  My 
> debt and academic future isn't important to me right now either.  
> What I am concerned with right now is being ok and doing what makes 
> me happy.  I appreciate the concern but telling me what I should 
> be doing only serves to make things worse and is the exactly the 
> kind of phrase that put me in my situation.
HER:
OUCH



REALLY?  That's her response.  Wow.  I was so pissed off when I got that I just yelled, "OH GO FUCK YOURSELF."  Shit sucks.  It's her fault that I suck at relationships.  All these years she has patronized me, made me feel weak, and talked about how mature she is.  How wrong all that is!  So now I get to go about fixing all this while I'm already dealing with chronic depression.  So excited!

Ok we have had lots to drink.  Yeah the night features the girl you have had a slight interest in for the past 3 years but whatever, your feelings get in the way.  Shit doesn't feel right.  I leave every friend situation with craziness.  I'm always the one that doesn't work out right.  Nothing feels OK.  EVER.  I'm working on making this a permanent thing for me.  My problem is AVOIDANT-ATTACHMENT for those of you who are interested.  It's always greater than me.  It's hard to be apart of something that knows more than you and is more than you.  Wow, welcome to my drunk blog.  whatever.

New Year

The worst year ever is finally over!  Things are kinda up and down.  All the good effects of my medication started to wear off and left me feeling sedated so I doubled my dose.  I'm better now, I think.  Those all-consuming feelings of apathy and lethargy really get to me sometimes and it worries me that I'll just keep feeling sub-par forever.  I know what awesome feels like.  I probably have one awesome day a month and the rest is just barely ok.  I'm much better than I was last year at this time!