So what has happened in the last 8 years?

 What a devastating blog to read. Yikes. I don't know what brought me back here exactly, but I'm working on a Saturday and something triggered memories.

Let's hit the high notes I can remember from each year:

2015:

• I got my cat! I called him Caligo on the papers but he became "Beast" after Katy.
• I think I was still DJing a few times that year
• Still doing tech support of all kinds at MFA Oil
• Had my last real feeling of love with Rudi. I don't think I can really describe that time in my life anymore.
• Volunteered at Citizen Jane Film Festival
• Tried and mostly failed to learn C#, but I did learn a ton trying to reverse engineer and decompile code running on cell routers at work. These hardware experiments would lead to my curiosity 5 years later, and in turn lead to getting a job at EquipmentShare, starting my data career.

2016:

• In the summer, MFA moved me to their new truck shop in Moberly. I started doing all of the tech stuff for Bob Powell, the manager of the truck shop and an incredible man. During this time I was learning a lot about electronics and circuits on a basic level. Bought an oscilloscope and learned to solder (poorly).
• Trump was elected president. We all remember where we were and what we did that day. I remember feeling so resigned and posting something on Facebook like "fine, it's your turn. You all asked for this, so don't fuck it up. Good luck." My mom posted something insinuating that she agreed and I was being mature. Rudi said it broke her heart. I'll never forget those.

2017:

• At some point I accepted a job offer in the DevOps department at the MFA Oil home office back in Columbia. They wanted me to be a sys admin for the newer point-of-sale (DSI) and help do the testing since I was the one with the most knowledge about the truck system aside from Jennifer (my first boss there). 
• Justin Traub and I started working together and we built a cool example of a logging system for the trucks' PoS.
• I moved to a tiny old house in the middle of the city under the water tower. It was a wonky little place and my pipes froze twice and burst once. Sponge bathing with cold water sucks. It was 40F at the floor and 110F at the ceiling because of how bad the insulation was. 
• I think I started dating Katy late this year.
• I bought my first board games aside from Elder Sign in 2012. I got Arkham Horror The Card Game and Dragonfire. They were OK, but I definitely realized there was more to uncover.
• Bought a 2007 Pontiac Grand Prix from Phillip for $2k.
• At this point I think was making $59,000 a year.
• I turned 30 and started to really feel my body falling apart. I remember starting to get psoriasis on the back of my head, in my ears, on my eyelids, and on my left hand. It manifested mostly as dandruff and really dry skin in general. Between my left hand's middle and ring finger will peel, my ears will itch and bleed on the inside, and the back of head will itch and flake. 

2018:

• I moved to a duplex on the far south side of town that Katy found for me.
• I broke up with Katy
• Jeff and Jane got a divorce after she had some "episodes". I don't know exactly what happened but Jeff stayed with me for a few days.
• I began my obsession with board games after I bought Zombicide. I distinctly remember the adrenaline I felt while playing it solo.
• I brought 2-3 new games to work every week and we played them during lunch.
• At work I moved into a Business Analyst role and started writing specs for new ERP modifications. I started learning a little about project management and software development practices.
• $67,000? I can't remember. 

2019:

• Justin started preaching to me about data strategy and governance. I remember thinking he was way too conservative and rigid in this thoughts, but eventually we agreed on more than we disagreed.
• This is when I first got access to their ODS and started playing around in the databases I could weasel my way into. I realized that I didn't want to go much further into just pure business analysis because it seemed like way too much organization and meetings. I wanted to design the solution AND write the code instead of having to design it and then translate it to a developer.
• My board game collection skyrockets.
• I sold the Pontiac back to Phillip and bought my mom's 2014 Ford Focus.
• In the fall I get sent to Indianapolis for training on the new PoS system they're going to implement. It's incredibly old and I was shocked at how ramshackle the whole thing was.
• I was tasked with making the existing truck system work with the new PoS (Energy Force, née Propane Magic), and poking around in the hardware with my oscilloscope and logic analyzer was fascinating. I decided to try programming again and "settled" on Python. In December, it stuck. I think I was hypomanic because I worked 12 hours a day every day learning everything I could and trying to fit Python into my job. I started learning basic SQL as well. My first Python project was to split up a text file of 150k SQL statements into chunks that could be executed separately.
• Got in a fender-bender for the first time in October and nearly totaled the car.
• I dated Heather for about 6 months, and Mandy for maybe 2.  

2020:

• I bought some cheap microcontrollers and did some fun tests with running Python on them and connecting various sensors.
• Python took over everything for me in January and I was writing code all day every day for months. I hated my job because nothing was interesting there and everything was holding me back. I hadn't felt that energized in a long time. Likely hypomania again.
• In March, I joined a game jam (https://itch.io/jam/mini-jam-50-islands/rate/592551) to further force myself into programming. I did this at the end of a nearly 2 week vacation and when I was supposed to return to the office, they said to stay home until further notice. Something about a pandemic? No clue.
• I worked from home every day until July when they started making us come back in a couple of times a week. 
• I found and fell in love with a browser game/community called Blaseball. I became a community manager for them Discord and had the best time online I'd had in probably 15 years.
• I built a huge Django project that automated testing in our ERP. It was a massive beast and no one ever used it aside from a couple of times, but it showed me what I was capable of with enough mania.
• I joined Keith (Keyleth now) Cameron's (friend from high school) Discord server and played a lot of online games with their friends. I met Virginia Siegel there and she's been an excellent friend ever since. 
• I applied for a business analyst position at EquipmentShare and was offered the job on 11/11/2020, 3 years ago to the day of this writing! I started on 12/2/2020 and would be there until 8/28/2023. I think I started at $69,000. I met some of the best coworkers I've ever had and we partied sooo hard over the next couple years.

2021:

• I noticed that some friends younger than me were buying houses. So I bought a house!
• At EquipmentShare I learned an incredible amount of SQL and learned how to not manage extreme growth. Everything was mired in technical debt and it led to a ton of frustration over the next 2 years, but it gave me an incredible platform to jump off of.
• For some reason I decided to try dating again. I matched with Brea and we dated for 6 months before she moved to Chicago to go back to school. We were laying in bed and she told me she loved me. I physically recoiled. That's when I knew I would continue to hurt others due to my own inability to connect. At the time of this writing it has been 2 years since I last saw her and I haven't seen anyone since. I last saw her in August. She tried her best to keep up the relationship but I did what I always do and I ignored it until I had to say something and end it.
• My medication ran out in July or August and the psychiatrist's office didn't return my calls or fill my medication requests. I started getting depressed and couldn't get my medication refilled so I just languished. Got so depressed I was looking up exit bags and trying to figure out what it would take to buy a gun. There were multiple days where I would be so depressed that I'd fall out of my chair and lay on the floor until my body hurt too much. I was so slow that I could feel my eyes move when looking around. I'd just moan and sob in bed for days. It really scared me because I felt like that was the first time since 2015 that I felt affected by my fucked up brain. I started feel my mortality creep in again and it was horrifying. It's 3 years later and I'm still not right after this episode. I thought I had beat it. This just reminded me of the destiny I first had visions of in 2010. It was like the end of a horror movie when the protagonist defeats the villain only for them to get back up again and the credits roll.

...
I'll try to come back and fill in the next 2 years in another post tomorrow if I remember.

aw hell

Things are baaaaad.  That's how they usually are on this blog, right?  That's all I do.  Bad thoughts on the internets.  This is my landfill for thoughts.  And UGH IT'S SO AWFUL ALL I DO IS CRY AND SLEEP.  I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GET OUT OF BED TO CRY.

Whatever.  I have had really impacting encounters with women before, but this... this is as if my last girlfriend was a firecracker and Rudi is a nuke.  I thought I was going lose my mind last time.  Now here I am with this.  Because I'm not being broken up with like last time, it's not exactly hitting me all in the same second.  I've been depressed as shit for weeks and it just keeps getting worse.  At least it was a progression instead of a detonation.  AM I RITE?

My parents traveled 2 hours to have lunch with me today.  They did this because I told my dad last Thursday that I wasn't feeling well.  He knows what that means.  He knows that "feeling not well" has hospitalized me more than twice.  My mom came, also.  She's so sweet and loves me so dearly, but when it comes to my mental health, she shies away.  There's much story behind that.  But today, we three went to lunch.  They both knew I wasn't well, so during the wait for food I was asked by Mom, "what's been going on?".  Nothing.  Nothing has been going on.  Work.  Sleep.  Work.  More silence.  "So what's new?".  Nothing.  Work stuff.  Then my Dad started talking shop with me because we work for the same company.

This is how it is.  My parents know I'm not well, and DON'T EVER ASK ME HOW I'M FEELING.  They beat around the bush so very little and then that's it.  Guess what?  That's all I know what to do.  I'm terrible at consoling those in distress.  I've taken many counseling lessons to correct this, but today just reminded me of what I missed out on.  I learned so many great things and values from my parents.  SO MANY.  Really.  I learned so much about society and etiquette and manners and what makes a good person.  They failed to teach me how to do emotions.

Just typing that makes me cry and I'm done for now.

Two years hence!  Aw yeah.

Guess what?  I'm not here to throw confetti.  WOW SO AMAZING YOU'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT BRAIN SHIT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT RULES YOU

Every post is a response to the last, so let's do that.

Last post was in early 2013 and it's now late 2015.  I'm still at MFA and have become the "guru" of sorts for all things technical even when I shouldn't be.  I get calls all the time that start with "I didn't know who to ask but you know everything, so I thought I'd start with you.".  That's a lot of pressure, especially when your grasp of knowledge is limited by higher-ups.  I've fallen to answering with "I really don't have an answer right now." and their response is usually "but you know everything!  That's why I called you.".  It's weird because I'll answer a coworker's phone when they aren't at their desk and will be met with "just the person I wanted to talk to".  THEN WHY DID YOU CALL SOMEONE ELSE'S PHONE NUMBER, SHIT?

I'm just so demoralized with work.  All of the equipment is crumbling and so is my mind.  I can't continue to be this magic person that does magic and fixes everything all the time.  Even when I'm not on the phone answering questions, my coworkers are bombarding me with questions from their own phone calls.  It's really sanding me down.

I don't really want to get into the Rudi story very much, but it's what has probably caused me to seek out this blog again.  She's the best woman I've met.  We met on July 4th at Eastside and began a SOMETHING.  She's living with and dating another man; they have an "open relationship".  She seems to like me more and tells me she does.  It's frustrating to no end when she fights with him, says that she likes me more, and decides to stay with him.  I honestly don't understand, but I'm learning that I can't.  I can't understand how other people conduct their relationships because I'm not them.  It's difficult and weird for me, but I'm working on it.

She's moving away in a month.

I had secretly planned to save money and possibly move there later, but that all came to a halt when she confided in me that he would definitely be following her.  The one she briefly broke up with and then convinced her to reconsider is who will follow her across the country.  One thing I would say is to not pull a person across the US into a relationship you already decided to end.  Don't transplant someone and later desert them, because that's what's probably going to happen.

Maybe I just don't get it.  I've been thinking of that lately when she and I have talked.  I believe that you must first develop a strong connection and then maintain it when dating.  She - from my eyes - believes that you can form a relationship with anyone as long as you put in enough work.  I admire that, I do.  I think that way, but not as vividly as she does.  She literally sculpts her life around making relationships work - from what she's told me anyway.  I don't think that anyone can by a person's greatest match.  Some people just really aren't compatible on a basic level.

I think I'm right and she's right on two complimentary levels.  She's right about trying to make things work.  She's dedicated as fuck and that's very attractive to me.  I will never settle in a relationship just because I'm in a relationship and I want to preserve it.  Maybe that comes down to attachment theory?  My default state is independence, but that doesn't work well in relationships.  I've learned and felt my way through relationships and I don't believe that everyone is a suitable partner.  I won't waste my time trying to make it work with someone that is not for me.  Rudi might see that as the opposite of dedication (which she has said) but I just see it as being discerning.

Lately, I feel like I'm wrong.  I know I'm going to lose her.  I know I'll never see her again.  She was my soulmate - or at least the soulmate-est - person I've ever met.  I might be wrong for being so picky.  But maybe I'm not.  Maybe I physically can't handle being in a relationship I don't immediately feel comfortable with.  She taught me to feel again after so long.  No matter if they're bad or good, I owe her that much.


I'm totally lost now.
Before I met her I was just going through the motions.
Now, I don't know where I'm going.

Bad to Good to Bad to em dash

I always begin by referencing the last post.  Last time was bad.  I finally started taking Lamictal which is what my previous psychiatrist recommended after everything else had failed.  I went up and up to the maximum dosage, felt pretty good, had trouble with the side-effects, and halved it.  So here's where I am now:

• New full-time real job at MFA Oil doing tech support and mild accounting
• Started taking Remeron again because I was afraid of the winter
• Started taking Vyvanse again because I'll sleep for 18 hours if I don't
• Started dating a girl I met online
• Started taking Klonopin and I feel like a loser for resorting to it.  It doesn't work.
• Still drinking a lot
• Starting sentences with S
• DJing a night at The Bridge
• Starting to feel like shit again, prompting this post.

I don't feel things and I think that I've been deluding myself for the past 6 months.  Now that I'm dating again it's more apparent.  I'm not sure what to do.  She is a wonderful lady but my body is shit.  When you like someone you feel it in your chest; your heart.  You are compelled to fulfill them and your selves.  I am not these things.  I am not the perfect catch that she thinks I am.  If I don't take this pile of medicine every day I will die.  I write this post because I feel terrible even after taking them and it scares me more than anything can.  I have seen the horrors of life and I don't want to speak them.  I'll gladly spill my most embarrassing moments and divulge my strongest opinions, but I really don't want to tell you what those hospital bracelets are that I keep on my desk.  A husk is the the best definition I have found.

Anguish

God damn... work is awful.  I hold back tears the entire time and I am consumed with horrible nostalgia.  The only ideas I can hold are incredibly painful.  The playing in the snow with Allie, the champagne spilled in my back seat on new year's, the bird watching for Allie's class, the driving to Baskett with her...  It never ends.  The most sobering idea was that it was almost 6 years ago that I met her and I'm STILL upset about it.  It's been about 3 years since we broke up.  My life has had good points since then but on average it has been anguish.

I look the past with envy and longing.  So many of my friends have gone, I have dropped out of school, everyone else graduated, I have been to the psych ward 3 times, and now I struggle to stay alive every day and work at a gas station.  I have no hope left.  I have recently begun to feel that this is my destiny and that I was not meant for great things as I previously thought.  I just feel that it is not in the cards for me.  

My greatest regret was leaving Allie because I have seen the consequences spread out for a few years now.  I realize that as a person I have gained a lot because of the hardship I have endured.  I am much more aware of others and how to be more compassionate.  The thing is, though, is that I think I would trade the knowledge and experience I have gained over the past few years for the chance to go back and start over.  I know that I am placing all of my self blame on my the decision to leave her but my brain is strongly tying together our breakup and my subsequent descent together.  The last time I actually felt the joy of life was when we caught raccoons together.  After that everything went downward and I still haven't recovered.  

I am ashamed of my own mind and how it focuses on that relationship.  Writing this creates a lump in my throat that I am too familiar with.  We've been apart now for longer than we were together and I'm still fucking torn up about it.  This is not normal and I envy her resolve.  I genuinely loved her more than anyone else and I still agree with that today.  The hard idea to swallow is that she loved me, too, and accepted me for who I was whereas now I feel alienated and alone.  I feel like I threw away the best chance I had at love.  People always say that there is that one person out there waiting for you and I think I found her.  

My journey to hell has been paved with my insecurity about commitment and immaturity.  Combine that with a natural tendency for depression and you have a disaster.  She has dealt with the past and moved on like a normal person.  For me the trauma was too great and I struggle with it every day.  I don't think I'll ever be rid of it.  The past haunts me on a daily basis.  My body feels heavy and I don't care about pursuing life like I used to.

Sober post?!

I think this will be my first completely sober blog post in probably a year.  I usually only write in this when I'm depressed and drinking.  About 90% of the time drinking makes me feel less depressed but that other 10% is the part that writes these.

As of the past week things have been abnormally good and it kind of scares me.  I'm not used to feeling ok.  I'm still completely broke so I can't really go out but other than that I feel good(ish).  I saw a counselor yesterday and he strongly suggested that I'm bi-polar.  It has been said before but I've just always been so depressed with no manic episodes.  He told me that even if you've had just ONE manic episode ever that's enough to be diagnosed.  Wonderful.  Late in high school I had some pretty intense mood swings where I'd have a flight of ideas, talk loud and fast, become super creative, drive fast, spend lots of money, etc.  That's pretty much a textbook example of a manic episode.  I've been doing some wiki research and there are a few things that really stood out to me:

"Advanced paternal age has been linked to a somewhat increased chance of bipolar disorder in offspring, consistent with a hypothesis of increased new genetic mutations."

My mom was 35 and my dad was 32 when they had me.  I looked up what constitutes "advanced paternal age" and it's pretty much anything after 24 but gets progressively worse.  Noted.

"Genetic factors contribute substantially to the likelihood of developing bipolar disorder..."

My sister has it.

Here's the thing that really prompted me to blog this so that I could remember it later:

"The "kindling" theory asserts that people who are genetically predisposed toward bipolar disorder can experience a series of stressful events, each of which lowers the threshold at which mood changes occur. Eventually, a mood episode can start (and become recurrent) by itself. There is evidence of hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA axis) abnormalities in bipolar disorder due to stress.

There is fairly consistent evidence from prospective studies that recent life events and interpersonal relationships contribute to the likelihood of onsets and recurrences of bipolar mood episodes, as they do for onsets and recurrences of unipolar depression."

To me this clearly says that my crazy breakdown over a relationship about 3 years could've caused all this.  That is when everything went to shit.  It was a traumatic experience and I actually exhibited PTSD symptoms for awhile afterward.   Ever since that breakdown I've felt like it physically broke me.  When I was in the middle of it I actually wrote in journals that I felt "like my brain was physically falling apart".  Allie even suggested bi-polar a couple years ago.  Apparently, it's really hard to diagnose because most people just call it depression.  I can see that being really difficult because I don't see my good moods as something negative.  They aren't, it's just abnormal compared to my default state of melancholy.

 

 

Off Switch

Any time I end up talking about or thinking about Allie I end up wishing that I just had an off switch.  It's far too much for me to STILL think about.  It's so fucking hard when people quiz me on my past relationships because I don't want to be that guy that says "I don't want to talk about it" even though that's what I feel.  We may not have been perfect for each other but that relationship was the first and last REAL thing that I felt.  I have never before or since had my life altered in that way.  That is why is was so hard for me to let go.  Even if we weren't going to be romantically involved, I still wanted some sort of interaction. I now know that it wasn't feasible but my brain didn't know that.  I just wanted to still be connected to the only thing that ever showed me what love and joy was.  It's hard when you were the one that threw it away.  It eats you alive.