Better.

I've been feeling better since my last entry.  Things are always up and down lately.  I still feel like nothing I do has much purpose but I guess it's all I can do.  I talked to my insurance company again yesterday.  They like to follow up with me since I've gotten out of the hospital.  They just ask me lots of general mental health questions about suicidal thoughts, sleep patterns, what I do for anxiety, how I deal with stress, etc., etc.  I lie to them completely every time because I'm afraid that what I say directly relates to my parents' premium.  If I say I'm still fucked up then they'll think I have a higher chance of going back to the hospital and therefore having to pay for more.

Truth is, I have been having some suicidal thoughts.  Not like I used to where I was planning it all day everyday. Lately it's been more of a, "Is this really worth it?  How much energy will this take?  Why should I try to fit my expensive life into the rest of everyone else's when we have enough people already?"  I just keep on truckin' I guess.  I think I need to be taking something to up my dopamine levels.  Everything that I have described in the past 7 years can be described by low levels of dopamine.  They've obviously been diminishing for awhile, too.  Low libido, no interest in friendships or family relations, loss of desire, no pleasure, punctuated moods.  Looking at what happens to people when they have too much dopamine becomes the opposite of what I am.  Hyper-social, talkative, hyper-sexual, excited, energetic, unpredictable.  I am the opposite of all of those things.  I just hope that the majority of my issues are chemical related.  I don't want to be progressing down a path of actual mental disorders.  The age I am at is critical for males that are prone to developing severe disorders such as schizophrenia.  Especially since it runs in my family and I have had a personal history of suicide.  I just don't want to be broken.  I want someone to like me and love me because of what I am and honestly I don't think anyone can genuinely appreciate someone if they have mental issues.  I certainly wouldn't want someone that was defective.