I can't get refills on my meds until I make an appointment with the psychiatrist.  I can't afford the co-pay or the meds themselves.  I flushed what I had left. I'll tell the nurses on Monday before my appointment that I'm done with it and to pass that on to my psychiatrist.

oy vey

Mentally I have been feeling better over the past month.  I started taking stimulants again and that has helped a little bit with increasing my interest in things but only marginally.  The dating has been mediocre at best and it is really getting me down.  I've gone out with 3 girls that I've contacted on okcupid and I just really haven't felt drawn to any of them.  I think that it's a feeling co-morbid with my lack of interest in hobbies.  I don't do anything because I don't really like anything.  I've felt like this for a few years now and I'm sick of it coming and going in waves.  There'll be times when I look back and am really happy at what I did and what I was interested in even after my major episode.  A year ago I was planning on starting an art business, filled half a notebook with ideas for t-shirts, spent 5 hours editing video from pokemon episodes...  I am stagnant now.  I do nothing.  I'm slowly gaining weight and I just want to sleep all the time.

The whole dating thing makes me feel like I've actually gotten worse at connecting with people even after I've done so much work to correct my past mistakes.  I don't think I'll ever feel those butterflies in my stomach after meeting a girl again like I used to.  I just really don't care.  When I go out on dates I feel like I'm way more eccentric, talkative, and "out there" than they are.  I just feel like I'm in another dimension and the bridge between us can't exist.  I've felt this before and taking my words at face value one would assume I'm having sexual orientation issues.  I really wish that were the case at this point.  That would simplify everything and explain how I feel.  The problem is that I'm just not attracted to anyone.  I don't feel like I'm further ahead of the girls I meet and I don't feel like I'm behind them.  I feel as if I have an extra mental or spacial dimension.  I'm obviously putting work into meeting girls but I think that it has been detrimental to my emotional stability.  These dates seem to only reinforce the idea that I'm fundamentally different and won't be able to find someone that I can meld minds with.  I feel like I see too much and I hate it.  The peanut gallery in the back of my mind is growing all the time.  They are awful and dangerous to me.