Semester

Tomorrow is the first day of classes and I'm not enrolled.  Wonderful!  Tuesday and Friday were shit shows since I had to run around campus and try to get my holds removed and transfer to Biology.  One good thing is that I met my new therapist last Thursday.  I really like her and she gives me lots of hope.  She's loud and animated; opposite from the last one.  I'm not really into the whole soft voice, passive therapy.  This girl is determined and it sounds like we're going to be doing quite a bit of cognitive behavioral therapy.  I'm also going to join an interpersonal process group sometime soon.  I want to redo summer.

Hike

Nora and I hiked today!  It was great to get out into the hills and exert myself among the trees, birds, and spider webs.  We had a great time getting sweaty and identifying species of everything.  Later we came back to my house to drink and watch videos and stuff.  Everything is good except that even with her and how much I like her I still feel disconnected.  Maybe I just connect with about 1% of my friends.  Even people that are really close to me I feel like I don't really experience.  I'm the common denominator in all of this and it reminds me of my stupid head and the way I see the world.  I've gotten progressively more logical and literal in the past 8 years.  I see the world clearer because of it but no one else does.  Nothing is sacred to me and everything is science.  I have emotions and I love human things but none of it has super serious complications like it does to everyone else.  I see everything for exactly what it is.  To me, objects are things.  If I use them it is only to do what I want.  I don't see things has having inherent worth.  Nothing is sentimental to me save for a handful of items.  For example:  graves mean nothing to me.  Nora and I saw an Indian burial ground today.  My biggest question was why don't we dig it up and see how many are there and what artifacts they buried with them.  I asked Nora why we hadn't excavated it and she said, "Out of respect".  My response was, "But they're dead.  We can learn more from them now...".  My mind doesn't work well with others'.  I don't see that "respect" for the dead.  It doesn't make sense to me.  They are dead.  Gone.  What is more respectful than analyzing their culture and spreading the knowledge of their society?  Is everyone saying that we should avoid it to be respectful?  It does nothing then!  The "spirits" aren't watching your every move!  They don't exist!  It's a pile of dirt!  Get over it!  There is so much to be learned but we choose not to because of some silly superstitions!  It kills me inside that people put science and knowledge below human beliefs about the afterlife.  Ugh.  Nothing is dumber than retarding the progression of science.  There is so much about life that troubles me.

Still tired.

Today was one of those random days that are incredibly tiring and sad.  I was steeped in nostalgia and it ruined the rest of the day for me.  I really wish that I could erase my brain and start over.  New memories, new personality, new everything.  I've worn this person I am down so much.  The memories all make me sad because I can't relate to that person I used to be.

On a positive note, lady sparrows were swarming the bird feeder I put up in the tree outside my window.  Step one to hand feeding - done.

New house = new life?

Here I am all moved into our new house!  Mallory and Matt and I have a cute house with a cute dog and cat.  Moving in and getting all the utilities and internet taken care of has been nothing short of terrible.  I currently only have $30 and won't get paid until the week after next.  The most stressful thing right now is trying to get loans and register for classes.  Classes start on the 23rd and I don't have any loans yet.  I did my FAFSA and they have checked it but the school hasn't yet told me what I can get.  I know it won't be enough to cover the entire cost so I need to get a bank loan asap.  I really don't want to take classes this semester.  I'd much rather work full time.

Mentally/emotionally, things are getting better.  As I mentioned in my last entry I have cut off and been cut off from Annie.  I was drunk and offended her and it was the last straw.  I feel like she was just appeasing me this entire time to keep me from getting depressed.  It's all finally over and I feel quite ashamed about it.  I only got so interested in her because we are similar and connected well.  I had no one else in my life at the time and therefore she became my only emotional outlet.  I focused a year of pent up frustration and depression on her in a short amount of time.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  Things are better now since I have disconnected from it.  There's no real attraction there for me anymore.  She's amazingly beautiful and fun but I think I finally see it in a realistic way now.  I realize that we aren't really that compatible anyway.  I'm far more aloof and eccentric while she is very grounded and organized.  We share similar interests and thought patterns but I think that the fundamentals of our personalities are opposite.

Realizing what I have done makes me feel enormous guilt and also focuses me back on Allie.  I can now really appreciate how much she loved me.  I wish that I could have given her what she gave me.  I was unable and it tears me up.  With all of the people lately that have needed to shut me out in some way, it makes me feel like I am too intense in my emotional waves.  Every time I really pour myself out to someone I stumble and everything becomes a mess.  This makes people distance themselves from me and it reinforces my habit of closing off my emotions so as to not hurt anyone.  I can't practice relaying my emotions because every time I do it I end up wearing someone out or hurting them in some way.  The cycle repeats all the time.

I know that I'd rather be alone forever than to be unhappy in a relationship.  Lately I have decided that I should probably give it up and focus more on being happy alone.  I like being by myself a lot since it's hard for me to relate to people due to anxiety and confidence issues, but I long to meet someone that can keep up with my craziness.  Allie could, but I wasn't in the best state of mind at the time.  Annie is amazingly understanding but I messed that up, too.  I have been given so many second chances that I've screwed up and I don't think I deserve any more.  At this point I am no longer looking for someone.  I am preparing to be a hermit.  I think it is about the only option I have if I don't radically overhaul myself and get a new personality.

Scoreboard

Alright, chalk up another one to the personal-relationships-ruined board.  I always seem to fuck things up with the people I like most and I have no idea why.  It's as if I have another personality that I can't control.  The only good, normal part of me has to compete with one part that wants to say, "Fuck all this dumb shit" and run away and never talk to anyone again; another part that wants to cry and apologize; and another that just wants to die.  All of these are in equal amounts.  Shit sucks!  I should be able to recognize that I'm being crazy and just deal with it.  I thought people were supposed to get better with age because it seems like my mind is regressing to high school.  Everyone else is stable and successful and I'm out here flopping around like a retard.  I'll never be able to be happy if I keep fucking everyone's shit up.  The dumb thing is that it's only to people I'm super interested in; probably because I get so intense.  Throw in some insanity and nothing is good.  If this was a lesson teaching me to be open and honest about my feelings then it did a bad job because it's exactly these situations that make me clam up in order to protect people from myself.  I'm afraid to practice opening up because every time I do it's like opening Pandora's box.  Funny part is that I was just starting to come to terms with everything until last night when I sealed my dumb fate.