Xingu

I think I may be coming out of the actual depression part of my shit-storm.  I'm still kinda sad but not the way I used to be.  Now, I am sad because of things like everyone moving away, losing touch with friends, the end of college, my uncertain future, and feeling alone.  It's different than before because I feel like there is hope for me to get back on track and be everything that I used to be - and more.  Looking at such a long, arduous journey certainly isn't a joyous moment.  It feels like those days when you wake up and think it's Saturday and it's only Thursday or Friday.  You know that the weekend will be here soon but now everything feels behind.

I have to figure out what I want out of life again.  I was pretty set and doing great a year ago.  I didn't feel alone, the future was uncertain but interesting and exciting, and I lived for everyday as much as I could.  Now it feels like I just lost my house and all of my possessions in some natural disaster.  I'm disappointed that it happened and it makes me sad, but I know it wasn't exactly my fault and there wasn't anything I could do to prevent it.  Shit just happens sometimes.  At least I am beginning to make peace with my situation and look at it with a level head.  I have to claw my way back up, I just don't know what's at the top yet or why I NEED to get there.

Things don't look so hopeful on the relationship front but I am definitely feeling better than I used to since clearing everything up with Annie.  It's an unfortunate situation that doesn't seem to have a light at the end of the tunnel but for the time being I will just keep travelling and keeping that tiny seed of hope planted far in the back of my mind.  It's not out in the open and I'm not trying to make it grow but I have to leave it there so that I at least have something positive to look at when things get tough.  It is certainly better than severing all ties or constantly living in a state of delusional hope.  Is it possible for something to happen?  Well, yeah.  Is it likely?  Certainly not at all.  That doesn't mean that I should completely rule it out.  Even at my worst times I still held onto a central tenet of my personal philosophy; you can't know anything with 100% certainty.  It's because of this idea that I can engage anyone in conversation about anything and not try to tell them what I think is fact.  Very rarely am I completely certain of something and even rarer that I'd voice that.  So, I don't know what my future holds and therefore can't expect something to happen or not.  I can play with percentages and likelihood, and as long as that helps keep a balance between positive and negative feelings, I'll do it.

Fuck it, I'm feeling better and I'm going to enhance it by eating a party pizza, drinking my favorite beer, and playing video games.    :)