I feel that it has finally been resolved! It just needed some talking and questioning on my part. I guess that is positive reenforcement for me to open up. I was depressed as hell earlier and in an abyss of shit storms because I thought that she had told me that it was impossible for her to like me, as in those people you meet and have no attraction to whatsoever. Everyone sizes people up when they meet and within the first 10 minutes or so you know if someone is date-able or not. I was afraid that I was unable to be liked in that way by her. I know that nothing can develop and that's ok... the problem was that I was tremendously worried that someone I think is pretty much perfect from what I can see (and I haven't seen much but it is great in comparison) can possibly love someone such as myself. I have nothing except her friendship right now. I feel bad saying that because I don't like to rely on people and I don't like to involve people to such an extent in my emotional life. Oh... wow... that was stream of consciousness and I just saw the severity of what I wrote. This is why I am in therapy and on lots of drugs; I keep everyone away from my true emotions so much that I don't even know what they are.
As much as we act like it isn't possible, it IS possible to find people attractive while in a relationship. It is hard to tell those people for fear of betraying the one they currently love. I know this. Everyone knows this. For me, this is great news even though I know that the possibility doesn't exist, but the capacity does. This is equal to giving a person dying of AIDS a miracle cure. They knew that they were going to die, they were just waiting on the time that it would come. That is how I feel every day. Most days I wish that I was dead. Before I went to the hospital I was actually trying to make that wish come true. Afterwards, my life was safe but I was still just as unsatisfied with it. I still am unsatisfied, have no goals, aspirations, hopes, etc., but at least that light house of hers showed me what direction I should be travelling. As much as I would like to I know that I can't pursue anything with her, but the thing that keeps me going is that it is theoretically possible for something to work out. It's not that I expect it to. I sure would like it to, but I know it won't, and I'm happy for what they have, it's just that it reminds me of what the definition of hope is. Hope that someday things will be better. It is the core tenant of optimism; that which I used to embody. These days I can barely recall what that feels like. Annie reminded me and I am eternally grateful. I DO have something to hold on to even if I know that it won't be there forever. I can still dream, and dreams are apparently what makes life valuable.
If we could transplant the person I was 3 years ago into this situation I'm sure things would be different. Sadly, that Jack doesn't exist anymore. He was much dumber and less experienced than the present day Jack, but he was much more emotionally stable. Now that I have written that I would say that he wasn't necessarily more emotionally mature, but just better at keeping a lock-down on the emotions he did have. It only got worse until everything came to a head here in the past 6 months. This short conversation with Annie definitely gives me strength to wake up tomorrow and claw my way back up to the top where I belong. We have only known each other for a month and that surprises me. Given these circumstances I can't thank her enough for the compassion she has shown me. Time for improv poem in under a minute with no edits!
When I have told her of my troubles, I smile. It is fake as usual.
When she listens to my troubles, she smiles. It is genuine.
I can tell that it is real because it moves me and confuses me
But over all, it makes me smile as she does
Even if I can't show it.
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