Doing good.

I've been doing remarkably well lately.  I met with my new psychiatrist, Dr. Moore, last Thursday.  He's very cool and helped me reduce the Paxil to 30mg and double the Wellbutrin to 300mg.  Since then I've been feeling like a normal person.  I feel like life is actually real and not just something I learn about through a black and white shell.  I feel more confident and assertive.  I'm not as critical of others and myself anymore.  I don't think I've felt this good in 2 years or more.  There are lots of things that scare me; such as the future.  I'm working on it but at least the chemical imbalances are healing and I'm able to make the decisions I want and get pleasure out of the simple things that everyone else takes for granted.  A lot of the time it makes me want to cry because I now realize what I have been through and I am sad for myself.  Not just sad in general like I was, but actually sad about the loss of time that I experienced in the past few years.  I could have been better and more caring and more compassionate but I wasn't able.  I feel horrible because I wasn't fully in control of myself.  It would be better if it was my complete decision to end my relationship with Allie and do something else, and at the time I thought it was.  I had no idea I was depressed because I was used to it and thought it was normal.  Looking back, I see that I couldn't realize my own sadness with life.  It wasn't a sadness in the relationship or a dissatisfaction, but my brain reasoning things in an illogical manner.  I feel terrible about it but I'm finally coming to terms with the past.  I can't change it even though I wish I could start it all over.  I can't completely determine my future and that scares me.  The future terrifies me.  Will I relapse?  Will I do this shit forever?  Will I climb my way out of this hell only to fall back in?  I'm worried.  Weeks ago I felt so fed up with everything that instead of being sad I was angry.  I made a deal with myself and my therapists that if I wasn't ok after starting my new meds (Wellbutrin) and doing the interpersonal process groups, that I would definitely kill myself.  Now, at my happiest in a long time, have revised that to add electroshock therapy in the event that the process groups don't work out.  Really, if all that stuff doesn't work I will have no choice whatsoever.  It's hard to explain to everyone else what it is like to plan and act out your own death.  It makes so much sense at the time.  Now that I have been there and back I can see it in a more rational light.  I used to think it was stupid because what else do we have but life itself and therefore a sad life is better than no life at all.  Now... things are different.  I don't believe that one can prove that life is better than death.  They are not opposites.  No one has experienced death and come back and therefore we have no way to compare them.  It is impossible.  In the darkest of times the best and only decision is to get out.  When all of your exits are blocked, there is only one way.  I know how to get there.  If I relapse it's going to be bad.  I've had practice!

But, depressing shit aside, everything is wonderful!  I hope this continues!  It's the best I've felt in years.  I actually smile now.  I'm not sure how many people have seen me actually smile because I am happy.  I always smile because I think that's what I should do, and as a result I smile all the time; when I'm sad, when I'm serious, when I'm worried, etc.