This is it.

This is the most true thing I have ever seen in my life.  I watched this and throughout it have been crying so much that both shoulders of my shirt were soaked with tears.

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/sherwin_nuland_on_electroshock_therapy.html

He is what I will be if I continue on my current path.  I haven't chosen this path but it is what I am on.  Every small thing he details such as the hyper-awareness and inability to do anything and even get up before 1 or 2pm is exactly me.  It's the person I have been for 3+ years. I had a break down, I got better, but now I'm falling back into it.  I feel like it's getting worse.  I want to just fall into a hole and never get out.  It is so much easier to succumb than it is to fight but the feeling of that idea is gone.  I know what it is like to live life.  You all do it all the time and everyday and that means that you don't know what it's like to NOT feel it.  People like me are just seen as lazy.  You.  Have.  No.  Idea.

EDIT 1/26/2011:  Drunk post is drunk.  I still feel this hopelessness from time to time but at least in the past week I've begun to see my words and ideas as misconceptions.  The death of happiness comes from comparing yourself to others.  For serious.  I read a whole book on it and it helped.  "The Gifts Of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.  Super good read.