Books.

My therapist told me to look up Brene Brown, a social researcher that talks about vulnerability and attachment stuff.  I bought her two books and another one from Levine and Heller called, "Attached".  After reading and taking quizzes and what-not I've determined that I'm pretty solidly the mix between anxious- and avoidant-attachment styles; the rarest one.  It's been a shitty journey for the past year or so but I'm doing much better and really seeing the problems that I have for what they are.  It's sad to read this "Attached." book because it reinforces what destroyed me when I got depressed.  Allie's attachment style was secure and mine was avoidant.  She did everything she could for the relationship but I resisted all of it.  Only now do I understand our actions in the situation.  Only now do I know what I should have done.  The hard part is letting it all go and leaning into the idea that "what's done is done".  All the cards were perfect for an awesome secure relationship and life but I wasn't mature enough to realize it.

  I have been rebuilding my entire personality since my breakdown and it's been super difficult.  I'm rebuilding and making sure to remove the numerous negative attributes of my previous self.  I had no empathy, compassion, understanding, and I never recognized my own vulnerabilities.  What kind of partner can you be if "nothing is ever wrong" with you?  How can your partner see you as emotionally equal when you put up all these defenses to make sure you won't get hurt?  It's hard to build a good person but I know that this is better than where I was, even if I was more content with the world... content in my fake personality.