End

This is it.  This is the end of my communication with Allie.  I've hidden her on facebook and deleted her from my phone.  I can't continue to have communication with her because it gives me something to cogitate.  I'm a wreck.  Still.  I'm not trying to kill myself but this is the worst pain I have ever experienced.  I feel like this all happened to me and wasn't my doing.  Actually, it was but I wasn't in my right mind.  I feel cheated by myself, by my own imperfect head.  I'm broken inside.  Why does this happen?  I have never wished malice upon anyone and I have always done my best to help everyone but I get shit on.  By who?  Myself.  I feel like I just woke up one day and everything is wrong.  It's almost as if I have amnesia.  It feels weird to cry.  I haven't done that since the 26th; my first day in the hospital.  It hurts.  It hurts to know that I HAVE to put her behind me. She's done with me and moved on.  She's normal.  She can deal with things like this.  I'm still tore up with it all.  Normal people get over such short relationships.  I can't seem to.  If it weren't for my new medication I would probably be cutting the shit out of myself again or trying to hang myself again.  I'm not sure if I can fight that off forever in this state.  I still don't have anything to live for.  I'm happier than I was but that's the same as saying that I'm the same I was minus the killing myself part.