Dumb

I'm dumb and dramatic.  Reading my entry from last night makes me want to throw up.  It's like I'm in high school again.  I just want to forget everything ever.  They were good memories and I talk about them a lot but they cause me so much pain now that I think it would be best to erase them.  Maybe I need electroshock therapy.  How come I'm having so much trouble with this?  She's just a person.  People can forget about people.  I forget about people all the time.  This one is just stuck in my head and it feels like something is broken in there that makes it loop all the time.  Four months is ample time to get over someone so I should be doing that right about now.

I didn't sleep at all last night.  My head was crazy again.  I have a Chinese final exam at 1 today.  I didn't study for it.  I haven't studied Chinese in about 2 months.  I'm still not interested in very much and it makes me sad.  Chinese used to be the thing I loved best and now I just don't really care.  我从来没准备考试。

I'm still not attracted to anyone, either.  About 2 years ago when my depression/alexithymia started I noticed that I felt like I needed more of a personal bubble and it was hard to show affection.  It was hard because I didn't know where my emotions had gone.  They just kind of fizzled out.  My libido was gone and I was nervous as hell about any sexual intimacy because I felt so self conscious.  That, of course, causes problems and it's hard to explain to your girlfriend.  Guys are supposed to be GUYS and want sex all the time.  Not so, and certainly not so when your head is broken.
Nothing was really great or really bad and this continued up to my stay in the mental hospital.  I feel like my emotions are slowly coming back.  I hope they hurry up.