Still!

I had depressed days.  There haven't been many lately if you don't count my obsessive reminiscing.  I don't know what triggered it.  I fantasize all day about what I didn't do for Allie and how I could now with my "renewed" self.  I won't ever get that chance but I can't really stop thinking about it.  I want it to stop.  She hadn't really crossed my mind in awhile until probably last weekish.  One really depressing part of all of it is that I feel like I wasted my college social life.  I know I didn't but I feel like I don't have anything left of it.  Jeff and Jane are gone, Dave pretty much is, and of course Allie is gone.  It's a strange sensation of coming away with nothing.  Allie and I shared everything for those 2 years and now I feel like I can't identify with anyone.  Lots of my stories include her and that drives home the point that those were the happiest years I've had.  It's hard to think of building that same kind of life with someone else.  I put a lot into our relationship until I started to go a bit crazy... which unfortunately happened to be kinda early on.  The crushing guilt is still there on my sad days.  I wish more than anything that I could re-do it all as the person that I am becoming.  I'm already 10 times better than the guy I was back then.  There are so many things that I did (and didn't do) that make me hate that version of me.  I didn't reciprocate anything.  It was really my fault... I didn't feel much and I was chronically exhausted.  She was amazing for sticking with me for so long.

BLEH

I don't think the new meds are helping.  My psychiatrist put me on them because of my lack of motivation and goals.  I still have none.

I'm doing terribly in school.  I'll probably fail Insect Diversity and barely scrape by in Chinese Civ.  I'm just not doing my work.  After going over learning types in entomology I realized that I am completely deficient in "latent learning".  That's where you do something in order to get to a delayed reward.  It's pretty much the opposite of instant gratification.  It's entirely crippling and feels terrible.