So it's been awhile without internet. I was livid when it went out due to the circumstances but I actually got used to the "freedom" not having it gave me. I sat and spewed out creative ideas for 2 hours one morning and then sketched them out later. I felt really good about it. I'm still having a bit of the withdrawal symptoms mentioned in the last post but they are definitely getting better. I just really want to know the cause of it. Whatever. There's certainly no explaining my mind.
Therapy has really started kicking in. I think my therapist is awesome and she's definitely the only one I've had out of 6 that actually gets it. Hell, and she's "just" a graduate assistant. Such bullshit in the psych community. One high ranking psychiatrist asks me why I have a fetish with guns and knives and the next one after having just met me denies everything that another concluded after 2 years of testing. The people that have helped the most don't have any medical degree. Strange. I guess that helps reinforce why I suck on paper so much but do so well in practical application; it's not about how much school you've done but what you've actually done when it matters.
Things are better overall. During this weird withdrawal period I have been super moody, irritable, reclusive, and unpredictable. It's what I think PMS is just minus the abdominal cramping and discharge. One moment I'd be normal and the next I'm yelling at someone and fantasizing about ripping their heads off and quitting my job. It really has gotten better though. I still feel some weird zappy sensations now and then but it isn't as pronounced as it was 1.5 weeks ago.
A huge indicator of my current progress is evidenced in my feeling towards a recent acquaintance. I had met her twice at McNally's and was immediately attracted. My first thought was, "Incredibly attractive, good speech and humor, and she does nursing... awesome!" Yesterday I facebook-asked her out to lunch or whatever and she responded by saying that it would be nice but she is currently dating someone. Here's the deal: I was not at all upset. None. I just liked the interaction. Weird I know! At no point was I even partly crestfallen. I was actually just happy that I could interact with someone (albeit pathetically through facebook) without getting terribly anxious and depressed as a result. It's a good thing.
I'm still not very good at school but I think I am managing. I think my Chinese Civilization professor took mercy on me. Granted, he's the only professor I have been close to in five years since I've had him for 4 classes now. I signed up late, missed the first week, and therefore missed a huge paper assignment and have never been to my weekly recitation. I got a class-wide email last week about attendance. He sent us all our current attendance scores to keep us updated and make sure there were no discrepancies. I had 100% attendance reported. I have been to no more than 20% of them. That's a liberal estimate, too. What makes me feel bad is that I emailed him way before this asking about discussion sections and where I was supposed to be and whatnot. He responded very sternly and in a way that said, "Don't keep messing up, it's not that hard, it's all in the syllabus." After a week or so he grabbed me after class and asked me if everything was ok and if I knew what was going on with everything. He was very sincere and sounded concerned. Probably didn't help that all week I had been to class with no paper or pencil and just stared blankly at the wall when I usually am quite responsive in his classes. I just told him, "Yeah, I got it, sorry, I'm just a bit crazy lately, literally" and I smiled, cheerfully said thanks, and left. Looking back on the way I spoke and acted it was obvious that something was a lot wrong with me. It makes me really sad though to think that he cut me some slack because I had an excuse. I don't like to use myself as an excuse and I never mean to. He does have my hospital discharge papers which detail why I was there and what I was diagnosed with. :\ Makes me feel pretty weak. I'm taking 11 hours and can barely keep my head above water. It's interesting to think that I'm doing markedly better than I have since LAST September.
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