I have been playing whack-a-mole with mental illness and personality disorders for a year now and I'm super tired of it. Here's what's got me down the past two days:
Last Tuesday or so I had therapy and it went really well. So well in fact that the next two days I felt amazing. I was honestly optimistic and enjoyed the company of others without being drunk. Things were really turning up and I thought that the therapy was really kicking in. Saturday was Mal's birthday and I ended it by staying up until 8am with Kailey. I woke up around 2pm and just felt so exhausted for the rest of the day. I studied with Nora from about 6 to 9 and then went to bed around 10:30. I felt so weird and tired that day but I just attributed it to the long night I had before. I also felt feverish and nauseous so I assumed that the tiredness was because I was getting sick. At the time I just knew that I was going to wake up multiple times during the night to throw up. I never did. Monday comes around and I got up at 7:30am to work on a take-home test for developmental biology. I struggled with that until 12 when the class got out. The entire rest of the day I felt incredibly irritable, depressed, hopeless, exhausted, and mildly sick. It was bad to the point where I would be sitting at my computer just being normal and then suddenly break down in tears. All day I felt like I had a golf ball in my throat because I was holding back tears. That's the kind of stuff every day was made of before I got to the hospital.
Also, I started noticing "the zaps". It's a colloquial name for a symptom of "discontinuation syndrome" which is just a euphemism for withdrawal. I've had this before when I stopped taking Cymbalta a few times. It's really hard to describe but it feels like all of your nerves and brain suddenly buzz for half a second. Kind of like a cold chill but more unpleasant and more up in your head. It also feels like a brief moment of dizziness. It's incredibly annoying is the point. I was super irritable for the rest of the day and got progressively more depressed. Today I woke up feeling pretty fine. I took a test at 9:30 and did quite well. I was pretty positive until I went to parking services to get a parking pass. They assigned me SG4 again for the 5th time. That made me mad. I went back to my car and had a ticket that I missed by 15 minutes because I just couldn't find that last dime in my pocket. I of course found it when I got to my car. So that stuff pissed me off more. I dragged myself to work where I just got more and more tired and irksome. Oh, and the stupid zappy/shocky stuff is still happening.
The reason that this is strange to me besides just feeling physically and mentally like shit, is that I am not stopping any medication. I stepped down my Paxil dose for 2+ months and the last one I took was over a week ago. The half-life for paroxetine is about 10 hours is what wiki said so I should have been feeling this right after I missed the next dose if I even felt it at all. Usually people get these withdrawal symptoms after abruptly stopping their meds. The only other thing I can think of is that I haven't had any alcohol since Saturday night. It doesn't make any sense though because the symptoms started the next day. I've gone multiple days before without a drink and was fine so it doesn't make any sense for me to be feeling any kind of alcohol withdrawal. I don't even crave it. Now that I think about it, the first drink I had Saturday was around 7pm and it actually made me feel sick and I had to take a nap. I admit that I'm pretty borderline on having an alcohol problem but these would be the symptoms that someone would feel if they drank hard all the time, wanted it in the morning to start the day, hid it from people, etc. None of this makes sense and I hate it. I wish it was something like alcohol withdrawal because then I would know what it was. This is just dumb.
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