Two years hence!  Aw yeah.

Guess what?  I'm not here to throw confetti.  WOW SO AMAZING YOU'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT BRAIN SHIT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT RULES YOU

Every post is a response to the last, so let's do that.

Last post was in early 2013 and it's now late 2015.  I'm still at MFA and have become the "guru" of sorts for all things technical even when I shouldn't be.  I get calls all the time that start with "I didn't know who to ask but you know everything, so I thought I'd start with you.".  That's a lot of pressure, especially when your grasp of knowledge is limited by higher-ups.  I've fallen to answering with "I really don't have an answer right now." and their response is usually "but you know everything!  That's why I called you.".  It's weird because I'll answer a coworker's phone when they aren't at their desk and will be met with "just the person I wanted to talk to".  THEN WHY DID YOU CALL SOMEONE ELSE'S PHONE NUMBER, SHIT?

I'm just so demoralized with work.  All of the equipment is crumbling and so is my mind.  I can't continue to be this magic person that does magic and fixes everything all the time.  Even when I'm not on the phone answering questions, my coworkers are bombarding me with questions from their own phone calls.  It's really sanding me down.

I don't really want to get into the Rudi story very much, but it's what has probably caused me to seek out this blog again.  She's the best woman I've met.  We met on July 4th at Eastside and began a SOMETHING.  She's living with and dating another man; they have an "open relationship".  She seems to like me more and tells me she does.  It's frustrating to no end when she fights with him, says that she likes me more, and decides to stay with him.  I honestly don't understand, but I'm learning that I can't.  I can't understand how other people conduct their relationships because I'm not them.  It's difficult and weird for me, but I'm working on it.

She's moving away in a month.

I had secretly planned to save money and possibly move there later, but that all came to a halt when she confided in me that he would definitely be following her.  The one she briefly broke up with and then convinced her to reconsider is who will follow her across the country.  One thing I would say is to not pull a person across the US into a relationship you already decided to end.  Don't transplant someone and later desert them, because that's what's probably going to happen.

Maybe I just don't get it.  I've been thinking of that lately when she and I have talked.  I believe that you must first develop a strong connection and then maintain it when dating.  She - from my eyes - believes that you can form a relationship with anyone as long as you put in enough work.  I admire that, I do.  I think that way, but not as vividly as she does.  She literally sculpts her life around making relationships work - from what she's told me anyway.  I don't think that anyone can by a person's greatest match.  Some people just really aren't compatible on a basic level.

I think I'm right and she's right on two complimentary levels.  She's right about trying to make things work.  She's dedicated as fuck and that's very attractive to me.  I will never settle in a relationship just because I'm in a relationship and I want to preserve it.  Maybe that comes down to attachment theory?  My default state is independence, but that doesn't work well in relationships.  I've learned and felt my way through relationships and I don't believe that everyone is a suitable partner.  I won't waste my time trying to make it work with someone that is not for me.  Rudi might see that as the opposite of dedication (which she has said) but I just see it as being discerning.

Lately, I feel like I'm wrong.  I know I'm going to lose her.  I know I'll never see her again.  She was my soulmate - or at least the soulmate-est - person I've ever met.  I might be wrong for being so picky.  But maybe I'm not.  Maybe I physically can't handle being in a relationship I don't immediately feel comfortable with.  She taught me to feel again after so long.  No matter if they're bad or good, I owe her that much.


I'm totally lost now.
Before I met her I was just going through the motions.
Now, I don't know where I'm going.