Off Switch

Any time I end up talking about or thinking about Allie I end up wishing that I just had an off switch.  It's far too much for me to STILL think about.  It's so fucking hard when people quiz me on my past relationships because I don't want to be that guy that says "I don't want to talk about it" even though that's what I feel.  We may not have been perfect for each other but that relationship was the first and last REAL thing that I felt.  I have never before or since had my life altered in that way.  That is why is was so hard for me to let go.  Even if we weren't going to be romantically involved, I still wanted some sort of interaction. I now know that it wasn't feasible but my brain didn't know that.  I just wanted to still be connected to the only thing that ever showed me what love and joy was.  It's hard when you were the one that threw it away.  It eats you alive.