Here I am all moved into our new house! Mallory and Matt and I have a cute house with a cute dog and cat. Moving in and getting all the utilities and internet taken care of has been nothing short of terrible. I currently only have $30 and won't get paid until the week after next. The most stressful thing right now is trying to get loans and register for classes. Classes start on the 23rd and I don't have any loans yet. I did my FAFSA and they have checked it but the school hasn't yet told me what I can get. I know it won't be enough to cover the entire cost so I need to get a bank loan asap. I really don't want to take classes this semester. I'd much rather work full time.
Mentally/emotionally, things are getting better. As I mentioned in my last entry I have cut off and been cut off from Annie. I was drunk and offended her and it was the last straw. I feel like she was just appeasing me this entire time to keep me from getting depressed. It's all finally over and I feel quite ashamed about it. I only got so interested in her because we are similar and connected well. I had no one else in my life at the time and therefore she became my only emotional outlet. I focused a year of pent up frustration and depression on her in a short amount of time. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Things are better now since I have disconnected from it. There's no real attraction there for me anymore. She's amazingly beautiful and fun but I think I finally see it in a realistic way now. I realize that we aren't really that compatible anyway. I'm far more aloof and eccentric while she is very grounded and organized. We share similar interests and thought patterns but I think that the fundamentals of our personalities are opposite.
Realizing what I have done makes me feel enormous guilt and also focuses me back on Allie. I can now really appreciate how much she loved me. I wish that I could have given her what she gave me. I was unable and it tears me up. With all of the people lately that have needed to shut me out in some way, it makes me feel like I am too intense in my emotional waves. Every time I really pour myself out to someone I stumble and everything becomes a mess. This makes people distance themselves from me and it reinforces my habit of closing off my emotions so as to not hurt anyone. I can't practice relaying my emotions because every time I do it I end up wearing someone out or hurting them in some way. The cycle repeats all the time.
I know that I'd rather be alone forever than to be unhappy in a relationship. Lately I have decided that I should probably give it up and focus more on being happy alone. I like being by myself a lot since it's hard for me to relate to people due to anxiety and confidence issues, but I long to meet someone that can keep up with my craziness. Allie could, but I wasn't in the best state of mind at the time. Annie is amazingly understanding but I messed that up, too. I have been given so many second chances that I've screwed up and I don't think I deserve any more. At this point I am no longer looking for someone. I am preparing to be a hermit. I think it is about the only option I have if I don't radically overhaul myself and get a new personality.
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