Well, I've been psych ward a total of two weeks since my last post. The first time I was committed this year was because I told my psychiatrist that I flushed all my medications and she had the cops take me in. The second time just decided to walk to Ashland (20 miles away) in the middle of the night and drink a lot in the process. I got about 18 miles and the cops picked me up. ECT didn't really work and my meds only help a little. Usually, when I'm discharged from the hospital I feel alright. This time I was just as hopeless as when I went in. They blamed everything on my drinking and actually said that I was an alcoholic that needed to go to rehab. Yes, I drink everyday but I have never once had cravings or withdrawal symptoms and I can stop whenever I want. I just choose to drink because it's fun.
I lost my job at Boys and Girls Town and I'm currently trying to get on disability. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning but I have $-65 and can't pay the co-pay. If I don't get on disability relatively quickly - and it usually takes about 6 months for others - then I think I'll probably try to kill myself again.
So essentially I'm back at square one with no real plan. I've tried to kill myself twice now and I think the third time will be the charm.
1 comment:
Good grief I wish you didn't feel this way.
It sounds like you have given up and are just going through the motions of trying to get better.
I do want to say that I have been sober for almost a year now and I don't remember the last time I was able to think so clearly and rationally. Yes drinking is fun, I know that better than a lot of people ha but that is the only positive the rest of it is all negative.
I shouldn't just stick my nose in your business like this. I'm sorry. You have just always meant a lot to me and I always regarded you as being a better person than me and you have helped me before in times of need and I feel like I am your friend forever. I wish badly things would turn around for you.
-Fairy
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